Losing a loved one to suicide is traumatizing and heart breaking in so many ways. The shock and overwhelming grief of a sudden death, feeling guilty for not being able to save them, not having any closure or answers to the “why” they took their life, the reality of never seeing them again, and the confusing feelings of anger, shame, and sadness can all be debilitating factors for the surviving family members and friends.

Although depression, anxiety, and substance abuse issues seem to contribute to a higher risk for suicide, there is not one thing that causes suicidal thoughts or completion. Below is a list of warning signs someone may be at risk for suicide. However, preventing a person from completing suicide is not a clear process because there are several confusing factors. For example, sometimes a person seems to “have it all together” when they take their life. At times, a person may be struggling with mental or physical illness, but because they are seeking treatment, we think they will be okay. Sometimes, a person makes threats multiple times and never follows through so people begin to ignore their threats. Some people will make an attempt to commit suicide as a cry for help. People who commit suicide may talk about it or may not ever talk about it prior to doing it. And remember that many people have suicidal thoughts when they are going through a difficult time or feel depressed without wanting to actually commit suicide….so how do you know?

If you believe you know someone who may be suicidal, please share your love and care and encourage them to seek mental health therapy. If they meet some risk factors and tell you they have a plan to harm themselves, please don’t hesitate to call the police so they can get inpatient treatment. In Florida, the police can take a person to the hospital involuntarily for assessment and treatment if they are threatening to harm themselves. The fear of your loved one being angry with you and the confusion of not knowing what to do is very normal. Please take the risk factors and suicidal threats seriously. Follow your intuition because it is better to try to get help than to ignore the warning signs.

Suicide risk factors include:

• Childhood Trauma
• Family Members who have committed suicide
• Past suicide attempts
• Prolonged periods of stress like unemployment, being bullied and harassed, relationship issues, losses, rejection, financial struggles
• Serious mental or physical health diagnosis
• Chronic pain
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Traumatic head injury
• Experiencing or Witnessing a Traumatic event
• Changes in mood, diet, sleep, behavior, habits, and interests, etc.
• Increased irritability or a very sudden sense of calm and peace
• Isolation or reaching out to people to make amends that they do not usually interact with
• Giving things away or getting very organized

Pay special attention if the above risk factors take place after a significant event. In addition, if someone is also talking about the following they could be at a higher risk for suicide:

• Killing themselves
• Feeling hopeless or helpless
• Believe they are a burden
• Feeling trapped
• Stating they don’t have any reason to live
• Express they are in unbearable pain
• Express extreme anger and talk about revenge
• Speak using language that seems to be saying goodbye
• Talks about killing themselves and has access to the means to do so such as a firearm, medication, etc.

The World Health Organization estimates that 1 million people commit suicide annually around the world. The most recent statistics show that in 2022, approximately 49,449  people took their own life in the United States and 1.7 million people attempted suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7: 800-273-8255

Call 988 to talk to someone or 911 for emergency services.

References:

• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
• National Institute of Mental Health
• Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

Most women would probably admit that at some point in their life, they have been attracted to someone who is already married, but they would never think of trying to do anything to lure the man away from his wife.  However, for some women, they only seek out married and committed men to have a relationship with. 

Mate Poaching is a term coined by David Buss several years ago in his book entitled “Evolution of Desire” that defines the behavior of men and women who purposely seek out people in a committed relationship.  A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology by Oklahoma State University found that of the single women in the study who were told their “match” was currently in a romantic relationship, 90% said they would pursue the man knowing he was not single.  Dionne Mahoffey wrote a book on the subject entitled, “Girl, Leave Her Man Alone”.  Websites like ashleymadison.com actually promote married people having affairs. 

Why do women Mate Poach?  There are several perceived benefits such as the excitement of an affair, the feeling of being “chosen” over someone else, being lavished with expensive gifts, and the feelings of power and control because there is no commitment on the part of the “poacher”.  Although some of these women may say they don’t need a man, most do desire a committed relationship and there are three reasons that may contribute to a woman engaging in Mate Poaching…

Low Self Esteem – Women with low self-esteem oftentimes have a belief that they are not good enough to be “the wife”.  Sometimes, they have been abused or mistreated in a relationship so their defense mechanism against being hurt again is to seek after relationships they know will not be a committed one.  The woman may also relate her self worth to her appearance so she will feel good about herself when she can successfully “catch” a married man.  

Sex Addiction – For women who are sex addicts, Mate Poaching is a behavior they want to stop doing, but are unable to stop without help through therapy.  There are several factors that contribute to a women becoming a sex addict including childhood sexual abuse.  Sex addicts may feel guilty and ashamed, but will continue Mate Poaching even after suffering bad consequences unless they seek professional help.

Power & Control – Some women will say they Mate Poach because they like being the “one in control” of the relationship…that they can “leave it anytime they want” and there are no “strings attached”.  The truth is that when a person must feel like they are in “control” of a relationship, it is usually because they have a fear of abandonment or commitment.  They may have a need to feel safe because they have been abused or hurt in the past and so they think if they “control” a man, they feel safe.  In reality, the woman engaging in “Mate Poaching” is controlled by the desires of the married man. He is the one who chooses when to see her, if he will leave his wife, and is usually the one who ends the affair.

Regardless of the reason, Mate Poaching can lead to emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain and/or harm for the women engaging in the behavior as well as the married man and his family. 

When is the last time you scheduled a Mental Health Check-up?

We all have a doctor we see regularly for annual physicals and those colds and minor illnesses that come up throughout the year. We religiously schedule our teeth cleaning appointments with the dentist. Women schedule annual gynecological exams, some people see a chiropractor on a regular basis, and many go to church weekly to nurture our soul. We know research has shown that taking care of our mental health is as essential as taking care of our physical and spiritual health. But, how often do we schedule regular mental health check-ups?

There are 3 reasons why is it important to schedule regular Mental Health Check-ups with a professional counselor…

1. The Present: To address any current issues you are facing.
2. The Past: To determine if you have any unresolved issues from the past that are causing you disturbance in your current life.
3. The Future: To develop effective life management skills to help you daily live the life you desire.

Once you are “healthy” mentally, checking in with your counselor on a regular basis helps address whatever issues may arise so that you maintain strong mental health throughout your lifespan. In addition to physical health improvement, research has shown that nurturing our mental health leads to maintaining healthy relationships with intimate partners, family members and friends.

Along with Mental Health Check-ups…

There are 5 Essential Ways to achieve and maintain strong Mental Health:

1. Practice Good Self-Care – practicing good self-care is the most important step to mental wellness. This involves, eating well, regular exercise, 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night and using relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing to reduce stress.
2. Build a Support System – people need people. We all need to have relationships with people who are safe and with whom we can share our life’s journey. Our support system can consist of our partner, family members or friends.
3. Resolve the Unresolved – most mental and emotional distress comes from unresolved issues. These issues may stem from abuse, a lack of problem solving skills, or circumstances out of our control, but they must be resolved or they will affect our current and future mental well-being.
4. Nurture your Spiritual Beliefs – spiritual beliefs give us a sense of purpose, are usually the basis for our value system, and often give us hope and strength throughout our life’s journey so it is important to nurture our spirituality.
5. Laugh – studies have shown that laughing decreases pain, stress hormones, and anxiety. It also helps increase blood flow to promote heart health. Learning to laugh at yourself by not taking yourself so seriously and enjoying a good laugh with other people on a regular basis will also increase your relational bonds.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month! 

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and specializes in relationships, trauma recovery, and anxiety management.  Please call or text Dr. Hollenbeck at 407.408.6521 for a mental health check up.

When we date, we present our best self, show an interest in the person we are dating, make time for them, spend time thinking about them, communicating with them, and usually can’t wait to see them at the end of our day. Dating allows us to dream about the future, share our ups and downs and feel like we are not alone in life’s journey.

Then we get engaged, get married, take on a mortgage, work hard to build careers, raise children and become consumed with busyness that leaves little time for our marriage to be a priority. In addition, some couples are blending families, have community and church commitments…the list of obligations that take our time and attention can go on and on.

Dating…

keeps the Marriage a Priority. Dating says I love you, you are important to me. Purposely planning a weekly date forces you to think about your partner, look forward to having a fun or romantic time together, and helps the marriage stay a priority. I recommend making a decision that if we don’t have time for a date for just the two of us, then we don’t have time for friends and family. Sometimes we spend all of our free time with people we love to be with, but it robs us of the opportunity for that special time we need to connect on a regular basis. Keep enjoying time with friends and family, but try to make time for a date before you make plans with other people.

provides an opportunity to learn new things about each other. One of the best things about dating someone new is that you get to learn about them. Dating allows you to continue to learn new things about each other. For example, spend time on your date only talking about the two of you. Try new activities and ask each other open-ended questions like, “What is your greatest fear?” “What is your best childhood memory?” Also, take time to share your likes and dislike and have fun getting to know each other as you each grow as individuals over your life time.

sets an example for your children. I believe the best gift you give your children is the example of a healthy marriage (not a perfect one, a healthy one). Your kids will see you make the marriage a priority, spend time together without them, and learn how to treat a partner by your example. Too often, the children can become the priority over the marriage. Remember, one of the most important parental goals you have is to raise your children as a team to become independent of you one day so if the marriage isn’t the priority during the years you are raising children, it can be very difficult to reconnect during the empty-nester years. 

strengthens sexual intimacy. Most couples I see who are not dating tend to have poor relational intimacy and often times end up in sexless marriages. When you are out on a date, you may be dressed up, laughing, creating romance, and usually feel more connected. Staying home in comfy clothes snuggle on the couch, watching a movie while the kids spend the night with grandparents can also provide an opportunity to connect sexually. Dating provides the opportunity to talk about sex and to experience sexual arousal and stronger relational connection.

makes all other areas of life easier. The stressors of life seem so much easier when we are connected as a couple. Dating keeps us connected and reminds us that we are a priority to each other, that we are a team, we are on the journey of life together, and that someone is always there for us through the good and bad times life brings. Jobs, friends, and finances can change, but your marriage bond is the one constant in life that can help you live life to the fullest as you enjoy the blessings and survive the challenges of the human experience. If you have stopped dating, please make that reservation this week to start making the marriage relationship the priority again and enjoy the journey of being life-mates! Have fun!

Job loss, financial concerns, your children’s education, fear of sickness, concern for loved ones, and isolation are just a few of the many factors impacting us during this pandemic and uncertain time in our nation.  It is very normal to experience increased anxiety, depression, and irritability during stressful times.  Here are some things to practice in order to keep healthy mentally, emotionally, and relationally…

Acceptance

The most important tool we have is our self-talk.  We have the power to change our mood by changing the way we speak to ourselves.  The first step in keeping our internal peace during a difficult time is to acknowledge that this is happening, it is out of my control, and it is temporary.  Acceptance is essential for our mental well-being.  Our natural reaction to a negative event or circumstance is to be in shock and denial or even become resistant to believing what is happening.  This natural reaction can lead to negative self-talk and irritability, negative thoughts and emotions, and avoidance.  Once we clearly accept the situation, it allows our brain to focus on what we CAN do instead of what we can’t.

Self-Care

Balanced self-care includes a healthy diet, exercise, sleep, spiritual practices, fun, hobbies, and connecting with family and friends. It is important to use online video services and facetime to keep as many of our weekly groups, hobbies, and other meetings going as well as staying connected to friends and loved ones.  And please don’t forget to intentionally make time for fun like watching a funny movie, playing with your pets, playing games, creating something through art or writing, anything that can bring a smile or create some joyful moments. 

We especially have to take care of ourselves physically and spiritually if we are going to maintain a healthy mind and mood during a challenging time.  Exercise decreases stress and improves your mood because your body releases the feel-good chemicals dopamine and endorphins in the brain.  Another benefit of exercise is increased energy during the day which helps you sleep better at night.  Research indicates that exercise keeps your muscles and bones healthy and strong, promotes growth of new brain cells called neurons, and increases the quality and longevity of life.  We have to exercise so think of ways to make it fun and productive as a family while you are home like dancing together, taking a walk, doing an exercise video, jumping in the pool, or cleaning out the garage.

In addition to exercise, giving attention to our spirituality and faith practices is essential to maintaining a health mind and mood.  Think of ways to get some quiet time for yourself to practice meditation, reading your Bible, or praying.  Get the family together as you normally would and watch your church service online, perhaps have a time of singing or getting creative to find ways to practice your spiritual beliefs and rituals. 

Gratitude

During times of uncertainty, loss, and fear, it can difficult to find things to be thankful for in our situation.  Research indicates that practicing gratitude decreases depression and increases happiness and helps people deal with adversity.  Think of practicing gratitude for the past, present, and future.  For example, reflecting on past memories and experiences of successes and blessings, or thinking about other difficult situations and circumstances that you survived and overcame, perhaps lessons you learned that can help you today.  Then focusing on acknowledging your current blessings such as good health, having people who love you, the tangible and non-tangible ways you are blessed.  Keeping an optimistic attitude is a way to practice gratitude focused on the future.  Perhaps express gratitude in words or writing or gifts to someone you appreciate.  Gratitude is a way to acknowledge the goodness in our lives. 

Helping Others

When we do something for someone else, the benefits are very similar to exercise like lowering our blood pressure, reducing physical pain, reducing depression symptoms, increasing mood and quality of life.  It just feels good to know we helped someone else.  Think about calling and chatting for a while with someone you know who lives alone.  What about making a meal or special dessert for your neighbor or mailing a hand-written note to someone telling them how much you appreciate them.  Perhaps the best way to help others is to simply show kindness.  A kind word or deed may actually last much longer than any tangible gift we can give and will also lift our spirits as well as the person we are showing kindness to. 

Managing Anxiety and Depression Symptoms

Practicing acceptance, self-care, gratitude, and helping others are all ways to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.  When you are feeling anxious, notice your senses to calm down your brain and nervous system.  For example, focus on looking at something with color in the room and smell a fruit, lotion, or candle.  Listen to music or the quiet in the room and feel the chair you are sitting in or the clothing you are wearing.  In addition, breath in your nose counting to 7, hold your breath for a count of 4 then out your mouth counting to 7.  Paying attention to your senses and deep breathing will reduce anxiety in the immediate moment significantly.  To manage feelings of depression, try to keep a daily schedule.  Plan out your day at home with regular time to get up in the morning and going to sleep at night, plan hours you will work, exercise, play, etc.  Structure and consistency will help keep you from clinical depression.  Remember to be gracious to yourself during challenging times because experiencing anxiety and negative feelings is very normal.

Dr. Hollenbeck is a Certified Telemental Health Therapist and offers clients video and phone sessions.  Please call or text 407.408.6521 to schedule an appointment. 

50% of marriages in America are ending in divorce, 9.4% of the population in Florida are unemployed, people are diagnosed with chronic illnesses every day, and the internet makes changes every second that contribute to the ongoing flow of new information we need to be aware of in order to thrive in this global world we are living in.  Every person will experience some type of change on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis throughout a lifespan.  Change of any kind can add a tremendous amount of stress to our lives.  Adjusting to these changes is the key to maintaining strong emotional and mental well-being.  When your normal life is disrupted with change, you may start to feel sad, confused, lonely, desperate, and angry.  You may act out with behaviors that are unusual for you such as fighting, or dangerous driving.  You may also experience symptoms of both anxiety and depression. 

An Adjustment Disorder is a clinical diagnosis resulting from the development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor(s) occurring within 3 months of the onset of the stressor(s). 

Below are some of the normal and expected symptoms you may be experiencing from adjusting to some kind of change taking place in your life.

Shock / Denial / Anger / Sadness

Excessive Crying / Confusion / Depression

Anxiety / Fatigue / Irritability / Loneliness

Panic Attacks / Changes in Sleep Pattern or Weight

3 Tips for Adjusting to Change: 

Realize Change is Normal:  Allow yourself to feel what comes naturally, express how you are feeling with someone you trust, and realize you may be experiencing the grieving process due to the loss of your old familiar “normal” – this is a completely natural process.  In time, you will adjust to your new “normal” and your feelings of anxiety and depression will decrease.

Expect the Future to be Different:  Understanding that change brings about a different future will help you avoid being depressed and anxious while you are adjusting to the change.  For example, you may have to seek new employment or move away from family, but you may find a more rewarding and better paying job, you may develop stronger bonds with family through communicating long distance because you will put more effort into the relationships – meaning that you will still have a career and family relationships, but they will be different in some way.  Remember change is not necessarily always bad or good, but is always different.  How we adjust and perceive the change is the key to being healthy mentally and emotionally.

Know When to Seek Help:  If your symptoms continue for several months or you begin to realize that these symptoms are interfering with your normal everyday activities and relationships or ability to function, you may need to talk with a professional counselor to help you through this time of adjustment to develop healthy coping skills and a sense of independence to go forward.

Treatment for Adjustment Disorders is usually short term and solution focused.  Counseling is an excellent way to assist you and your loved ones to adjust to any changes in a healthy and productive way.

There is Hope for Healing that produces Harmony through Counseling!

As a Certified Sex Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I help couples address a broad spectrum of sexual issues. In my experience, I believe there are three basic facts that all couples should know to help them maintain a healthy sexual relationship that is intimate and fulfilling for both partners.

1.  You Have To Talk About Sex

Communication is the Foundation of Relationship and we all know how important talking to each other…really talking to each other, is to the success of any partnership. Many of the couples I help in Sex Therapy treatment and Couples Counseling have never really talked about sex. There are very valid reasons for avoiding the subject.   Probably the most common reason is the fear of hurting each other’s feelings.  We don’t want to hurt the person we love or embarrass them (or ourselves). Then there is the belief that you just don’t talk about sex…yes, even in today’s world children are being raised in a home and culture where talking about sex is taboo.  So couples simply do not know what questions to ask or how to go about approaching the topic. Regardless of the reason for not talking about sex, every couple should be talking about it. One easy way to begin would be to make an effort to bring up the topic with your partner on your next date night by sharing something you really love about having sex with them. Also, think about purchasing a book on the topic and read it together in the evening. Both of these suggestions will most likely break the ice and help you both feel more natural discussing the topic and help you grow even closer as a couple.

2.  Sexual Problems Are Very Common

Don’t ever base the quality of your sex life together on performance. There are a large number of potential sexual problems that can occur for a couple over the lifespan. As a couple, your goal should be enjoying each other sexually as a natural extension of your relationship. The goal should not be having an orgasm, or having to perform for a length of time, or a certain number of times a week you have to have sex. Every couple is unique and will most likely experience some type of sexual dilemma during their relationship over a life span. Anxiety, depression, age, disease, stress, physical illness, trauma, differing desire levels, pregnancy, hormones, biology, genes, beliefs, and surgery are just a few of the many factors that affect a couple’s sexual interaction.   There is nothing to be embarrassed about, sexual issues are a part of life and are treatable. When you and your partner begin to experience sexual issues, remember you are a team and together you can address the problems with success.   Be open and talk about the sexual problem, be supportive of each other, get educated on the issue you are experiencing, and if you can’t solve it on your own or with your medical doctor, then meet with a Certified Sex Therapist and they will most likely help you solve the problem. 

3.  A Healthy Sexual Relationship is a Collaborative Process

In order for a couple to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship, they must understand that it is a collaborative process. Remember you are a team, partners in every aspect of your relationship and your sexual relationship is no different than any other area.  Below are the characteristics of a collaborative process that must be applied as a couple in order to successfully address sexual problems when they exist. Discuss these as a couple alone or with a Couples Therapist to help you and your partner successfully resolve sexual problems.

• Parity Within The Couple
• Mutual Goals
• Shared Responsibility for Participation
• Shared Responsibility for Decision Making
• Shared Resources
• Shared Accountability for Outcomes
• Reliability on Mutual Trust

What is Micro-Cheating?

Micro-Cheating is all the so called little things that may feel like infidelity to one spouse, but does not involve having sex with another person. The general concept of cheating can be gray instead of black and white for couples. For example, your wife may never even consider having an extramarital affair with another man, but she doesn’t see anything wrong with staying friends with or even flirting with her ex-boyfriend on facebook. Your husband may say he is totally devoted to you. However, he is having lunch every day with a female coworker and he becomes defensive about it when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

There is a difference between being friendly or courteous and being inappropriate or flirting. For example, saying, “You look very nice today” is different than saying, “Wow, you really look hot in that outfit”.   Opening the door for another woman is different than engaging in personal conversation with her. A rule of thumb to consider is that any time you give yourself and your time emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually to someone outside your marriage, it can be considered a betrayal because it is energy, time, attention, intimacy, and affection that should be given to your spouse.

Below are a few examples that may be considered micro-cheating:

Are you keeping your activity and/or conversations with someone you work with a secret from your spouse?

Have you entered someone’s name in your phone under a code or fictitious name?

Are you having private conversations through social media that you keep a secret?

Do you spend time thinking about another person and go out of your way to make time to see them, meet with them, or talk to them?

Do you flirt with other people?

Do you objectify people (think of them sexually instead of a whole person)?

Are you sharing too much personal information about your feelings, relationship or life with someone other than your spouse?

Are you spending more and more time talking to and meeting up with a coworker that is not spent actually doing work?

Are you keeping an ongoing friendship with someone you had a former romantic relationship with?

Are you lying to your spouse?

Are you sexting (talking about sex or sending and receiving sexual pictures with someone)?

Do you spend time on adult websites or visit adult entertainment places without your spouse’s knowledge?

Does your partner tell you that any of your behaviors bother them and they would like you to stop, but you do not see anything wrong with what you are doing?

5 Steps to Addressing Micro-Cheating in a Marriage:

Calm Down: If you find out your partner has micro-cheated, it is very likely you will feel anger, hurt, shock, and anxiety. It can be very easy to jump to conclusions. Keep in mind that your partner may not realize they did anything wrong.  Take time to calm down first, identify what you are feeling and then decide how you will address the issue with your partner.   Remember to ask questions verses making accusations. Also, share how what they did impacts you verses yelling, name calling, ending the relationship, etc.

Define What Constitutes Infidelity: Make time to have a conversation about each other’s definition of fidelity. Discuss what you each consider to be betrayal behaviors. You may be surprised that you view things very differently. For example, one of you may view flirting as harmless and the other one views it as betrayal. Your value systems related to relationships are developed from several factors, including witnessing your parent’s relationship, cultural and spiritual beliefs, influence from friends, unrealistic ideas from movies, experiences from past relationships, your own personality, etc. It is important to keep open and ongoing conversations about what is ok and not ok within the relationship.

Take Ownership: If your partner tells you they feel betrayed by your behaviors, don’t dismiss their feelings or argue with them. Acknowledge what you did was painful to them and caused mistrust. Then apologize, and agree on ways to prevent the behavior in the future.

Create Boundaries to Protect the Marriage: I highly recommend the book entitled Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. This book helps you as a couple to understand how to create boundaries to protect your relationship. For example, there may be things that are not necessarily wrong, but they threaten the safety of the relationship verses strengthening it. As a couple, you do not have to agree on everything, but you do have to honor your partner by being willing to make changes that help them feel valued and safe in the marriage.

Get Professional Help from a Marriage Therapist: If your spouse lies or becomes defensive, or if he/she has promised to stop in the past and you have caught them again, it can be a sign of a compulsivity issue or a sex addiction so ask your partner to go to therapy with you to find out why they promised you to stop the first time you discovered the behavior and they continued to do it. In addition, the partner who feels betrayed may need some healing from the trauma of what they discovered and the anxiety caused by broken trust. Meeting with a therapist may also help strengthen the marriage overall by gaining better communication or partnering skills. Remember counseling helps us be healthy mentally, emotionally, and relationally.

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck specializes in helping couples heal from relational betrayal. She is a Certified Trauma Professional, a Relationship Expert, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist.  In addition, she holds certifications in Sex Addiction Therapy, Partner Betrayal Trauma, Anger Management and EMDR Therapy.

Do you know someone who seems to be irritable all the time or “flies off the handle” and goes into a rage over something that doesn’t go their way? Do you have family members or friends who hurt people with verbal or physical abuse and then feel really bad about it, apologize, promise never to do it again…only to end up doing it again and again?

Causes for uncontrollable anger may stem from childhood neglect, abuse, or trauma, underdeveloped emotions, learned behavior, enjoyment of the adrenaline rush, lack of conflict resolution skills, abandonment and trust issues, the need to feel in control, or the need to feel safe.

The Importance of Anger in the Betrayal Trauma Healing Journey with Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck

Anger is an emotion everyone experiences, but some people develop an addiction to being in a state of Anger or become an “Angerholic” because it may be the only emotion that they know how to express when they have an unmet need. Psychology professionals continue to discuss multiple theories of addiction origin and treatment, but there is no doubt that Anger Addiction is an ongoing issue affecting many people seeking counseling and ongoing research is needed.

BAAM’s 2008 Boiling Point Report provides the following statistics taken from a survey of 2000 people:

• 32% have a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger.
• 12% say that they have trouble controlling their own anger.
• 28% say that they worry about how angry they sometimes feel.
• 20% say that they have ended a relationship or friendship with someone because of how they behaved when they were angry.
• 64% either strongly agree or agree that people in general are getting angrier.

There are many reasons people may be “getting angry”, but if anger is causing problems for you or someone you love, there is help available through Anger Management Therapy to address the issues and develop the skills needed to manage Anger. Below are 5 Warning Signs that may indicate someone is an “Angerholic”.

5 Signs of Anger Addiction

1. Excessive Irritability – This is when a person seems to be irritable most of the time, even when there is no known reason to be irritable. Also, there is an increase “over the years” instead of a decrease with maturity. This may be evident in an adolescent that matures into their adult life continuing to display irritability most of the time.

2. Isolation & Secret Grudges – Another sign is if a person who is irritable a lot seems to also like to spend time alone and not enjoy being around other people. They may seem to hold a grudge against people who they believe have done them wrong. Perhaps they were caught doing something in anger secretively such as destroying photos, making false accusations against a person, or destroying someone else’s property in anger.

3. Outbursts of Anger – If a person has anger outbursts in response to anything that doesn’t go the way the wanted, they are not able to adjust to change without an angry outburst, or they get people to do what they want by having an angry outburst are all behaviors that indicate a serious problem with anger.

4. Critical and Sarcastic Attitude – If someone uses negativity and sarcasm to communicate most of the time whether the criticism is directed at themselves or others is a sign of unhealthy communication rooted in anger.

5. Feelings of Guilt and Shame – When someone is aware of their issue with anger, they may express feelings of guilt and shame and make several attempts to change unsuccessfully. The inability to stop engaging in anger driven thoughts, emotions, and behaviors on their own is a sure sign of addiction.

Roses, chocolate, and jewelry are all great gifts – but if you want to give your wife the ultimate gift of romance – give her the gift of Counseling.   What could possibly be more romantic than saying, “I love you and value our marriage so much that I want to do everything I can to make it even better and stronger”. 

Marriage counseling is not just a place to address problems, but it is a chance to develop and strengthen your relationship by building true intimacy.

Men, if you are looking for a gift to show your wife how much you love her and you want to increase the romance in your marriage – consider these ten reasons why Counseling is the most romantic gift you can give her…

1.  Investment:  Counseling is a major investment in your marriage.  A woman has a need to feel loved and cherished…like she is the most important thing in your world.  When you invest your time and money in the counseling process, you are showing her how important she is to you!  Flowers and candy are short-term investments in love…Counseling is a lifetime investment in love with unending dividends.
2.  Intimacy:  Sexual intimacy increases when you build stronger emotional bonds with your wife.  Counseling provides a place to overcome sexual issues and deepen your intimacy physically and emotionally. Increased intimacy will lead to increased sexual satisfaction. 
3.  Communication:  The most important factor in a strong marriage is communication.  Learning how to express yourself openly and honestly with your wife and gaining a better understanding of her communication style will increase how you much you “feel comfortable and connected” to each other.
4.  Forgiveness:  Hearing the words, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” is usually not enough to heal emotional and relational pain in a marriage relationship.  When one or both of you have been hurt, the pain can keep you stuck from going forward and cause resentment.  Forgiveness is a process.  Counseling provides a safe place for you both to work through hurts and disappointments together.
5.  Conflict Resolution:  Unresolved issues are the main cause of mental and emotional distress in a marriage.  Avoiding a problem or overreacting to one creates a wedge in your relationship.  Learning how to resolve matters no matter how big or small the issue may be will lead to peace and harmony in your marriage.
6.  Parenting:  A child’s development and wellbeing often depends on the relationship between their parents. Counseling gives you and your wife an opportunity to look at how you are parenting as a couple and strengthen both your parenting style and parenting plan.  One of the most important ways to love your child is to set an example of loving your wife.
7.  Childhood:  Sharing childhood experiences with your wife and gaining a better understanding of what influenced her during childhood helps you both have insight into the adults you are today.  Sometimes we are blind to the habits and patterns we have developed from our childhood experiences and family influences.  A professional counselor can help you gain insight into your childhood experiences and the positive or negative impact they are having on your marriage today.

8.  Goals:  Do you know what goals your wife has for your marriage?  What are her financial goals, parenting goals, personal goals…How does she imagine her future with you in 5 years…10 years?  Have you shared your goals with her?  Counseling gives you an opportunity to develop and share your goals with each other and then create a plan to reach them.  Dreaming about and planning for the future creates a romantic connection and excitement in your marriage.
9.  Trust: Marital romance does not exist without intimate trust. When trust is broken, it takes time rebuild feelings of safety and confidence in your relationship.  If trust is an issue in your marriage, coming to counseling shows your willingness to be open and honest and will give you and your wife the tools to rebuild and maintain trust for a lifetime.

10.  Commitment: Giving time, money and energy to the counseling process is the most romantic way to show your wife you are committed to her and to your marriage.  It shows how much you value her.  There is no greater way to earn her respect than to be a man who honors his commitments and is wiling to learn and grow with her for a lifetime.