Most women would probably admit that at some point in their life, they have been attracted to someone who is already married, but they would never think of trying to do anything to lure the man away from his wife.  However, for some women, they only seek out married and committed men to have a relationship with. 

Mate Poaching is a term coined by David Buss several years ago in his book entitled “Evolution of Desire” that defines the behavior of men and women who purposely seek out people in a committed relationship.  A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology by Oklahoma State University found that of the single women in the study who were told their “match” was currently in a romantic relationship, 90% said they would pursue the man knowing he was not single.  Dionne Mahoffey wrote a book on the subject entitled, “Girl, Leave Her Man Alone”.  Websites like ashleymadison.com actually promote married people having affairs. 

Why do women Mate Poach?  There are several perceived benefits such as the excitement of an affair, the feeling of being “chosen” over someone else, being lavished with expensive gifts, and the feelings of power and control because there is no commitment on the part of the “poacher”.  Although some of these women may say they don’t need a man, most do desire a committed relationship and there are three reasons that may contribute to a woman engaging in Mate Poaching…

Low Self Esteem – Women with low self-esteem oftentimes have a belief that they are not good enough to be “the wife”.  Sometimes, they have been abused or mistreated in a relationship so their defense mechanism against being hurt again is to seek after relationships they know will not be a committed one.  The woman may also relate her self worth to her appearance so she will feel good about herself when she can successfully “catch” a married man.  

Sex Addiction – For women who are sex addicts, Mate Poaching is a behavior they want to stop doing, but are unable to stop without help through therapy.  There are several factors that contribute to a women becoming a sex addict including childhood sexual abuse.  Sex addicts may feel guilty and ashamed, but will continue Mate Poaching even after suffering bad consequences unless they seek professional help.

Power & Control – Some women will say they Mate Poach because they like being the “one in control” of the relationship…that they can “leave it anytime they want” and there are no “strings attached”.  The truth is that when a person must feel like they are in “control” of a relationship, it is usually because they have a fear of abandonment or commitment.  They may have a need to feel safe because they have been abused or hurt in the past and so they think if they “control” a man, they feel safe.  In reality, the woman engaging in “Mate Poaching” is controlled by the desires of the married man. He is the one who chooses when to see her, if he will leave his wife, and is usually the one who ends the affair.

Regardless of the reason, Mate Poaching can lead to emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain and/or harm for the women engaging in the behavior as well as the married man and his family. 

When we date, we present our best self, show an interest in the person we are dating, make time for them, spend time thinking about them, communicating with them, and usually can’t wait to see them at the end of our day. Dating allows us to dream about the future, share our ups and downs and feel like we are not alone in life’s journey.

Then we get engaged, get married, take on a mortgage, work hard to build careers, raise children and become consumed with busyness that leaves little time for our marriage to be a priority. In addition, some couples are blending families, have community and church commitments…the list of obligations that take our time and attention can go on and on.

Dating…

keeps the Marriage a Priority. Dating says I love you, you are important to me. Purposely planning a weekly date forces you to think about your partner, look forward to having a fun or romantic time together, and helps the marriage stay a priority. I recommend making a decision that if we don’t have time for a date for just the two of us, then we don’t have time for friends and family. Sometimes we spend all of our free time with people we love to be with, but it robs us of the opportunity for that special time we need to connect on a regular basis. Keep enjoying time with friends and family, but try to make time for a date before you make plans with other people.

provides an opportunity to learn new things about each other. One of the best things about dating someone new is that you get to learn about them. Dating allows you to continue to learn new things about each other. For example, spend time on your date only talking about the two of you. Try new activities and ask each other open-ended questions like, “What is your greatest fear?” “What is your best childhood memory?” Also, take time to share your likes and dislike and have fun getting to know each other as you each grow as individuals over your life time.

sets an example for your children. I believe the best gift you give your children is the example of a healthy marriage (not a perfect one, a healthy one). Your kids will see you make the marriage a priority, spend time together without them, and learn how to treat a partner by your example. Too often, the children can become the priority over the marriage. Remember, one of the most important parental goals you have is to raise your children as a team to become independent of you one day so if the marriage isn’t the priority during the years you are raising children, it can be very difficult to reconnect during the empty-nester years. 

strengthens sexual intimacy. Most couples I see who are not dating tend to have poor relational intimacy and often times end up in sexless marriages. When you are out on a date, you may be dressed up, laughing, creating romance, and usually feel more connected. Staying home in comfy clothes snuggle on the couch, watching a movie while the kids spend the night with grandparents can also provide an opportunity to connect sexually. Dating provides the opportunity to talk about sex and to experience sexual arousal and stronger relational connection.

makes all other areas of life easier. The stressors of life seem so much easier when we are connected as a couple. Dating keeps us connected and reminds us that we are a priority to each other, that we are a team, we are on the journey of life together, and that someone is always there for us through the good and bad times life brings. Jobs, friends, and finances can change, but your marriage bond is the one constant in life that can help you live life to the fullest as you enjoy the blessings and survive the challenges of the human experience. If you have stopped dating, please make that reservation this week to start making the marriage relationship the priority again and enjoy the journey of being life-mates! Have fun!

4 Ways to Practice Gratitude:

Having a positive attitude is a great way to face life every day, but if you do not know how to embrace and practice gratitude, you may still be unhappy.  In the busy world we live in, it can be very difficult to be grateful, especially when we are facing challenges with our relationships, family, finances, or health issues.  Many times in counseling, clients will tell me they are optimistic and have a positive attitude, but they still feel unhappy.  This is usually a result of a disconnect existing between what they are thinking and feeling.  To be happy and healthy regardless of life’s circumstances, we must allow ourselves to connect our thoughts with emotions and spiritual beliefs.  Try these four easy ways to practice embracing gratitude every day.  Then notice how you start feeling calmer and happier even when your circumstances stay the same. 

Be Thankful Two Times a Day:  When gratitude is at the beginning and end of your day – every day will be a good one.  Two things will happen to every person every day…we wake up and we go to sleep.  How we start and end our day is essential to our state of happiness.  Regardless of what time we get up or go to sleep, most of us have some kind of routine like taking a shower and getting dressed in the morning or getting our bed clothes on and saying “good night” to our loved ones in the evening.  Although we can’t always control how our day will go, we can always find something to be grateful for.   Metal health experts suggest that expressing gratitude can be a great way to start and end your day in a way that nurtures our mental and emotional wellbeing.  Try making it a habit during your morning and evening routine to express gratitude out loud and notice how different your days are!    

Be Specific in Your Gratitude:  Be sure to be specific when you are acknowledging what you are thankful for.  Try saying both what you THINK and how you FEEL.  This allows the brain to think specifically and connect with a feeling emotionally so you are more likely to be positively impacted for overall wellbeing.  For example, don’t just say, “I am thankful to be healthy”, but think about what being healthy means for you.  Instead, say, “I am so thankful that I can see the beautiful colors of the clothes I am wearing today, because wearing this outfit makes me feel pretty”, or, “I am so thankful I can ride bikes with my daughter today after school because I feel happy when we spend time together riding bikes.”   

Share Your Gratitude:  Text, email, tweet, facebook, or call someone and share your specific thoughts and feelings of gratitude with other people.  Try it…it only takes a few minutes to share what you are thankful for with your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, store clerks, waiters, or whoever you have an opportunity to connect with.  This is a way to “pay it forward”…sharing your gratitude with others will be a blessing to you and them.  Multiple research studies have shown that sharing gratitude strengthens marriages and improves your health.

Include Your Faith:  Whether you are embracing gratitude or sharing it, include your faith practices with your thoughts and feelings.  For example, if you are a Christian, you may want to include thanking the Lord through the practice of prayer, or reading a scripture each morning for inspiration, or sharing a testimony in church.  Research studies support the idea that including whatever faith you practice into your daily gratitude routine will strengthen your overall mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing.  

Sometimes in life we just can’t find reasons to be grateful.  If you find yourself struggling to be grateful, feel overwhelmed at the end of every day, or have had significant changes in your life – you may benefit from talking with a counselor who can help you work through your struggles to develop and maintain strong mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck | www.CrystalHollenbeck.com

As you are making your list of New Year Resolutions with goals to lose weight, exercise more, spend less, save more, and get organized…don’t forget to add your Relationship Resolutions.  These are resolutions to reconnect with people you haven’t talked with in a long time, attempts to mend broken relationships, and commitments to growing relational intimacy with the people you are in daily contact with.

We know that strong and healthy relationships with other people help us stay healthy both emotionally and physically.  Social networking has made staying connected to people easier than ever, but how many of these connections are actual relationships?  You may have 435 friends on Facebook and 352 people following you on Twitter, but how many of those people could you actually call if you needed something?  How many do you actually get together for lunch with on a regular basis?

3 Relationship Resolutions to Consider Adding to Your List:

Reconnect:  Has a job moved you away from friends and family?  Has a romantic relationship caused you to let go of some friendships that you once cherished?  If so, why not make a resolution to reconnect with people you have a history with.  Facebook may be the tool you can use to reconnect, but resolve to go beyond postings on Facebook and take steps to talk on the phone, plan to visit on vacation, or get lunch together every week or month to stay connected.  Reconnecting with someone you share a history with will give you a sense of feeling grounded and safe, especially when life gets challenging.

Reach Out to Repair:  Think of people you have had disagreements with that ended your relationship with them… Are you both waiting for the other one to apologize?  Do you miss having him or her in your life?  Don’t waste another year letting anger or pride stand in the way of restoring a relationship with someone you care about.  Consider making a resolution to reach out and attempt to repair the relationship by making a phone call or writing a letter from the heart.  Even if the relationship is not restored, you will feel better and have peace of mind knowing you have done your part to reach out.

Renew:  What about the people you live with, work with, and spend time with on a daily or weekly basis… Take some time to assess the state of these relationships and consider making resolutions to renew how you value them.  Are you and your spouse enjoying a weekly date night?  When is the last time you did something with your kids that involved everyone turning their phones off and enjoying time together?  How often do you notice what a co-worker is doing well and take time to praise them for it?  Have you ever invited your neighbors over for dinner?

Relationship Resolutions are perhaps the most important ones to add to our list for the new year because we all need each other for support, fulfillment, and overall emotional and physical wellbeing.   If you find yourself wanting to make relationship resolutions, but are struggling with reconnecting, reaching out, or renewing relationships – consider seeking the help of a counselor who can work with you to accomplish your goals.  When we maintain healthy relationships, we will most likely be more successful at accomplishing all of our New Year Resolutions.

Even Santa Can’t Please Everyone…
Do you remember the disappointment you felt when you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas as a child?  Although you may have felt devastated in the moment, you got over it and enjoyed the other gifts and time with your family.  The truth is that even Santa can’t please everyone so why do we think we can? 

If we are going to enjoy the holidays, we have to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much we want to…we just can’t please everyone.  Let’s face it, we just have to say “no” to some of our loved ones, friends, and co-workers during the holidays.  We simply can’t please everyone – no matter how much we want to.  Unfortunately, there will be parties, events, and family get-togethers we will not be able to attend because of overlapping schedules, finances, and priorities.  To avoid feeling overwhelmed or guilty when you have to say “no”, make sure you spend some time prioritizing and deciding what you can and can’t do ahead of time regarding finances, events, and traditions. 

1.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you and your family create a budget and decide how to spend the money together.  Creating a holiday budget only takes a short amount of time, but can save a large amount of stress during this time of year.  Decide on a dollar amount to spend over the Holiday season for gifts, parties, outfits, food, and travel – and stick to it!  Without a budget, you will overspend and the financial strain will be a source of stress long after the holidays are over.  

First, decide on the amount of money you can spend over the entire season.  If you are married, make this decision with your spouse so the two of you work together as a team to support each other and have accountability to avoid over spending. 

Second, make a list of costs beginning with “Have To” and ending with “Want To”.   Be sure to create the list with your spouse and children so you can designate money for everyone that allows you to stay within your budget.  If there is not enough money for all the “want to” items, try being creative as a family and come up with ideas to reduce gift, food, and travel costs that may allow you to afford the “want to’s” on your list.

 2.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you decide what events you can and can’t attend after prioritizing them according to your family’s schedule and financial budget.  Job, neighborhood and organization parties, church and school programs, family gatherings, and community events!  The invitations and commitments can be overwhelming.  Attending all of these events will be impossible, but the thoughts of missing any of them can be so disappointing.   As your calendar begins to fill up, set aside some time to prioritize what events you will attend – and prepare to decline the ones you will not be attending.   The most difficult part of saying “No” to attending an event is telling the person who invited you because you don’t want to hurt their feeling or miss an opportunity to spend time with the people attending.  The worst thing to do is to not RSVP or just not show up.  Understand that the person may be disappointed and may not understand why you can’t attend, but responding to the invitation is the best way to keep a good relationship with them.  Don’t feel you have to always give a detailed reason for not attending, because people may not understand your priorities.  Simply letting them know you have another obligation is a sufficient decline.  Be sure to be kind and genuine in letting them know that you appreciate the invitation, but will not be able to attend and remind yourself that you have to say “no” at times to events you want to attend – even during the holidays.

3.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you and your spouse decide what Traditions are important to your family.  Every family has annual holiday traditions they enjoy year after year and are an important part of creating special memories.  However, when you get married and start your own family, it is impossible to continue to meet the expectations of keeping all the traditions you both grew up with including pleasing both sets of in-laws every year while also trying to accommodate traditions with your friends and co-workers. 

Trying to make your boss, in-laws, and friends happy can place an enormous amount of stress on your marriage and family.  Take some time with your spouse to talk about the family traditions you each cherish from childhood, the ones you would like to continue, and the new ones you would like to begin with your family.  Once you decide on the traditions for your family, saying “No” to in-laws, co-workers, and friends will be much easier.   For example, telling your in-laws you will be spending the day at your own home instead of coming to theirs may hurt their feelings, but being in agreement as a couple will help you come up with ways to compromise some aspects of the changes and continue to enjoy the holidays.  Perhaps inviting your in-laws, friends, and co-workers to join one of your new traditions, or informing each of these groups about traditions you have with the other groups may help in scheduling events that will enable you to attend, or at least increase the understanding of why you may not be able to attend. 

Saying “No” is a must during the holidays in order to avoid financial, emotional, physical and/or marital stress.   Try these ideas to make saying “No” easier and then just enjoy creating special memories instead of being stressed out trying to please everyone.    

4 Tips for Talking to Children about Secrets

There is an estimated 39 million survivors of sexual abuse in America. Experts believe 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually assaulted by the age of 18 with 9 years old being the average age of reported abuse. It is a sad fact that many adults seeking counseling for surviving sexual abuse have kept horrible secrets since childhood that have negatively impacted many, if not all areas of their life. When the physical aspect of the abuse stops, the survivor continues to be abused by the secrets they hold and the ongoing confusion and dysfunctional beliefs they must try to reconcile as they mature into adulthood.

A Secret is most often defined as “A piece of information that is known by only a small number of people and is deliberately not told to other people.” Children can be encourage to keep the horrible secrets by being manipulated with kindness, being convinced they are the ones doing wrong, or by being threatened with violence against them or someone they love.

Being Sexually Abused is a very dangerous secret to keep because it can be a cause of the survivor developing an eating disorder, abusing drugs and alcohol, suicidal thoughts, sexual addictions and destructive behavior, and becoming sexual abusers themselves.

Responsible adults must be proactive in helping to protect children from sexual abuse. The ugly truth is that the abuser is often the person whose role it is to protect the child. For this reason, parents, grandparents, extended family, teachers, pastors, youth leaders, and friends should consider talking openly with children to educate them about secrets.

4 Tips for Talking to Children About Secrets:

• There is no such thing as a “good secret”. Children can get confused if we try to explain the difference between good and bad secrets, so it is best to teach a child that if someone tells them to keep a secret, they should always tell you what the secret is. Building trust with a child is important so they feel safe and confident in telling their secret.

• Explain the difference between a secret and a surprise. For example, you can explain to a child that a surprise is when daddy tells you what mommy is getting on Friday for her birthday. It is okay to not tell mommy the surprise because she will know on Friday. A Surprise is something that everyone will know soon. A Secret is something that someone tells you not to tell anyone. No matter what the secret is, it is always okay to tell Daddy. This conversation is good to have multiple times with children and adolescents to reinforce the difference between a secret and a surprise, and to reinforce to them that they have a safe person they can trust to tell their secrets.

• Start Talking Soon and Often: Begin talking with your child at an early age and educating them about their body. Use opportunities that come up in every day conversation to address issues of being safe. Develop boundaries with them regarding people they know and don’t know. Discuss “what should we do” in various hypothetical situations, including ones that involve someone touching them inappropriately or talking to them inappropriately about sex. This will help them develop their critical thinking skills and be less likely to keep secrets.
• Always say, “I Believe You”. No matter what the secret is or who the secret is about, it is very important to be sure to always verbalize that you believe children of all ages when they tell you a secret. One of the ways abusers get children to keep secrets is by convincing them that no one will believe them. If someone who is being abused tells their secret and they are not believed, they most likely will continue to be abused and not tell anyone again.

When a child keeps the secret of abuse, regardless of the form of abuse, their body, mind, and spirit are violated and impacted negatively forever. Abuse can never be “forgotten”, but the survivor can heal from the horrific effects of physical and psychological damage and experience a life of health and harmony through counseling. The healing process can’t begin until the secret is told to someone who will believe them and take action to support them in seeking help.

What is Micro-Cheating?

Micro-Cheating is all the so called little things that may feel like infidelity to one spouse, but does not involve having sex with another person. The general concept of cheating can be gray instead of black and white for couples. For example, your wife may never even consider having an extramarital affair with another man, but she doesn’t see anything wrong with staying friends with or even flirting with her ex-boyfriend on facebook. Your husband may say he is totally devoted to you. However, he is having lunch every day with a female coworker and he becomes defensive about it when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

There is a difference between being friendly or courteous and being inappropriate or flirting. For example, saying, “You look very nice today” is different than saying, “Wow, you really look hot in that outfit”.   Opening the door for another woman is different than engaging in personal conversation with her. A rule of thumb to consider is that any time you give yourself and your time emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually to someone outside your marriage, it can be considered a betrayal because it is energy, time, attention, intimacy, and affection that should be given to your spouse.

Below are a few examples that may be considered micro-cheating:

Are you keeping your activity and/or conversations with someone you work with a secret from your spouse?

Have you entered someone’s name in your phone under a code or fictitious name?

Are you having private conversations through social media that you keep a secret?

Do you spend time thinking about another person and go out of your way to make time to see them, meet with them, or talk to them?

Do you flirt with other people?

Do you objectify people (think of them sexually instead of a whole person)?

Are you sharing too much personal information about your feelings, relationship or life with someone other than your spouse?

Are you spending more and more time talking to and meeting up with a coworker that is not spent actually doing work?

Are you keeping an ongoing friendship with someone you had a former romantic relationship with?

Are you lying to your spouse?

Are you sexting (talking about sex or sending and receiving sexual pictures with someone)?

Do you spend time on adult websites or visit adult entertainment places without your spouse’s knowledge?

Does your partner tell you that any of your behaviors bother them and they would like you to stop, but you do not see anything wrong with what you are doing?

5 Steps to Addressing Micro-Cheating in a Marriage:

Calm Down: If you find out your partner has micro-cheated, it is very likely you will feel anger, hurt, shock, and anxiety. It can be very easy to jump to conclusions. Keep in mind that your partner may not realize they did anything wrong.  Take time to calm down first, identify what you are feeling and then decide how you will address the issue with your partner.   Remember to ask questions verses making accusations. Also, share how what they did impacts you verses yelling, name calling, ending the relationship, etc.

Define What Constitutes Infidelity: Make time to have a conversation about each other’s definition of fidelity. Discuss what you each consider to be betrayal behaviors. You may be surprised that you view things very differently. For example, one of you may view flirting as harmless and the other one views it as betrayal. Your value systems related to relationships are developed from several factors, including witnessing your parent’s relationship, cultural and spiritual beliefs, influence from friends, unrealistic ideas from movies, experiences from past relationships, your own personality, etc. It is important to keep open and ongoing conversations about what is ok and not ok within the relationship.

Take Ownership: If your partner tells you they feel betrayed by your behaviors, don’t dismiss their feelings or argue with them. Acknowledge what you did was painful to them and caused mistrust. Then apologize, and agree on ways to prevent the behavior in the future.

Create Boundaries to Protect the Marriage: I highly recommend the book entitled Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. This book helps you as a couple to understand how to create boundaries to protect your relationship. For example, there may be things that are not necessarily wrong, but they threaten the safety of the relationship verses strengthening it. As a couple, you do not have to agree on everything, but you do have to honor your partner by being willing to make changes that help them feel valued and safe in the marriage.

Get Professional Help from a Marriage Therapist: If your spouse lies or becomes defensive, or if he/she has promised to stop in the past and you have caught them again, it can be a sign of a compulsivity issue or a sex addiction so ask your partner to go to therapy with you to find out why they promised you to stop the first time you discovered the behavior and they continued to do it. In addition, the partner who feels betrayed may need some healing from the trauma of what they discovered and the anxiety caused by broken trust. Meeting with a therapist may also help strengthen the marriage overall by gaining better communication or partnering skills. Remember counseling helps us be healthy mentally, emotionally, and relationally.

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck specializes in helping couples heal from relational betrayal. She is a Certified Trauma Professional, a Relationship Expert, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist.  In addition, she holds certifications in Sex Addiction Therapy, Partner Betrayal Trauma, Anger Management and EMDR Therapy.

Do you love yourself?  This isn’t exactly an easy question to answer because at times you may love certain aspects of yourself while despising others.  Sometimes we feel loved and cherished by other people and sometimes we may feel like nobody loves us.  We can’t base feeling loved on the actions of other people or how we feel from time to time. 

We have to learn to be the one to love ourselves unconditionally.  When we do, we will be able to accept and give love in a healthier and more fulfilling way throughout our lifetime.

Here are 3 Ways to Practice Loving Yourself:

Say It: 

When is the last time you told yourself “I love you”?   Multiple research studies have shown that we can change our habits, beliefs, and brain chemistry over a period of 90 days.   We have learned that positive self-talk has a powerful affect on a person’s sense of self worth.  When you say, “I love you” to yourself – you are thinking, saying, and hearing that you are loved.  This makes a powerful impact on developing your belief system and increasing your self-esteem.

Show It: 

When we love someone, we give our time and effort to show it by our actions.  We will go to great lengths to protect, value, and care for a loved one.  How do you show love to yourself?  Are you protecting yourself by establishing healthy boundaries?  Do you value yourself by treating yourself with kindness and caring for your body, mind, and spirit?  Showing love to yourself involves nurturing your mental and emotional health, spending time embracing your spiritual beliefs, and taking care of yourself physically with a healthy diet and exercise plan that includes a healthy sleep pattern and relaxation time. 

Share It: 

Loving other people becomes so much more fulfilling for us when we practice loving ourselves because the love we give comes from a genuine place in ourselves.  When we have a strong sense of self-esteem and self-worth, we understand the value of embracing our uniqueness and are able to focus on the positive more than the negative.  Your attitude and countenance will be an encouragement to other people.   When you feel loved yourself, you can easily share that love with others through words and actions. 

Today is a great time to start Loving Yourself.  Why not make a commitment every day for the next 90 days to say “I love you” to yourself, take daily action to show yourself love, and then share that love with others every day.  You may want to journal your “love journey” to be able to reflect on the changes in your life as a result of loving yourself. 

There is Hope for Healing that produces Harmony through Counseling!

When is the last time you scheduled a Mental Health Check-up?

We all have a doctor we see regularly for annual physicals and those colds and minor illnesses that come up throughout the year. We religiously schedule our teeth cleaning appointments with the dentist. Women schedule annual gynecological exams, some people see a chiropractor on a regular basis, and many go to church weekly to nurture our soul. We know research has shown that taking care of our mental health is as essential as taking care of our physical and spiritual health. But, how often do we schedule regular mental health check-ups?

There are 3 reasons why is it important to schedule regular Mental Health Check-ups with a professional counselor…

1. The Present: To address any current issues you are facing.
2. The Past: To determine if you have any unresolved issues from the past that are causing you disturbance in your current life.
3. The Future: To develop effective life management skills to help you daily live the life you desire.

Once you are “healthy” mentally, checking in with your counselor on a regular basis helps address whatever issues may arise so that you maintain strong mental health throughout your lifespan. In addition to physical health improvement, research has shown that nurturing our mental health leads to maintaining healthy relationships with intimate partners, family members and friends.

Along with Mental Health Check-ups…

There are 5 Essential Ways to achieve and maintain strong Mental Health:

1. Practice Good Self-Care – practicing good self-care is the most important step to mental wellness. This involves, eating well, regular exercise, 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night and using relaxation techniques such as meditation and deep breathing to reduce stress.
2. Build a Support System – people need people. We all need to have relationships with people who are safe and with whom we can share our life’s journey. Our support system can consist of our partner, family members or friends.
3. Resolve the Unresolved – most mental and emotional distress comes from unresolved issues. These issues may stem from abuse, a lack of problem solving skills, or circumstances out of our control, but they must be resolved or they will affect our current and future mental well-being.
4. Nurture your Spiritual Beliefs – spiritual beliefs give us a sense of purpose, are usually the basis for our value system, and often give us hope and strength throughout our life’s journey so it is important to nurture our spirituality.
5. Laugh – studies have shown that laughing decreases pain, stress hormones, and anxiety. It also helps increase blood flow to promote heart health. Learning to laugh at yourself by not taking yourself so seriously and enjoying a good laugh with other people on a regular basis will also increase your relational bonds.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month! 

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and specializes in relationships, trauma recovery, and anxiety management.  Please call or text Dr. Hollenbeck at 407.408.6521 for a mental health check up.

50% of marriages in America are ending in divorce, 9.4% of the population in Florida are unemployed, people are diagnosed with chronic illnesses every day, and the internet makes changes every second that contribute to the ongoing flow of new information we need to be aware of in order to thrive in this global world we are living in.  Every person will experience some type of change on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis throughout a lifespan.  Change of any kind can add a tremendous amount of stress to our lives.  Adjusting to these changes is the key to maintaining strong emotional and mental well-being.  When your normal life is disrupted with change, you may start to feel sad, confused, lonely, desperate, and angry.  You may act out with behaviors that are unusual for you such as fighting, or dangerous driving.  You may also experience symptoms of both anxiety and depression. 

An Adjustment Disorder is a clinical diagnosis resulting from the development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor(s) occurring within 3 months of the onset of the stressor(s). 

Below are some of the normal and expected symptoms you may be experiencing from adjusting to some kind of change taking place in your life.

Shock / Denial / Anger / Sadness

Excessive Crying / Confusion / Depression

Anxiety / Fatigue / Irritability / Loneliness

Panic Attacks / Changes in Sleep Pattern or Weight

3 Tips for Adjusting to Change: 

Realize Change is Normal:  Allow yourself to feel what comes naturally, express how you are feeling with someone you trust, and realize you may be experiencing the grieving process due to the loss of your old familiar “normal” – this is a completely natural process.  In time, you will adjust to your new “normal” and your feelings of anxiety and depression will decrease.

Expect the Future to be Different:  Understanding that change brings about a different future will help you avoid being depressed and anxious while you are adjusting to the change.  For example, you may have to seek new employment or move away from family, but you may find a more rewarding and better paying job, you may develop stronger bonds with family through communicating long distance because you will put more effort into the relationships – meaning that you will still have a career and family relationships, but they will be different in some way.  Remember change is not necessarily always bad or good, but is always different.  How we adjust and perceive the change is the key to being healthy mentally and emotionally.

Know When to Seek Help:  If your symptoms continue for several months or you begin to realize that these symptoms are interfering with your normal everyday activities and relationships or ability to function, you may need to talk with a professional counselor to help you through this time of adjustment to develop healthy coping skills and a sense of independence to go forward.

Treatment for Adjustment Disorders is usually short term and solution focused.  Counseling is an excellent way to assist you and your loved ones to adjust to any changes in a healthy and productive way.

There is Hope for Healing that produces Harmony through Counseling!