5 Tips for Solving Family Feuds

Every family will experience conflicts at some time or another throughout a life time.  Special occasions, events, and holidays can be difficult when family members are at odds with each other due to unresolved issues.  Attempting to resolve problems within a family always leads to a happier and healthier family dynamic.   The next time you are facing an issue in your family – try following these 5 Tips. 

1.  Remind Yourself…The Problem is the Problem, Not the Person:  When we are at odds with a family member, just hearing their name can make us have feelings of anger and distress.  We can lose sight of what the problem is and begin to hate the person.  Anxiety and anger can cloud our judgment and ability to reason.  Stay focused on what the problem is and what specifically happened.  Remember, we are all capable as human beings to hurt others in some way.  Take a minute and imagine if you were the one who did the wrong and how that may feel.  The person you are in conflict with will be in your family forever, the problem causing the conflict only exists as long as the family allows it to. 

2.  Own Up to Your Part:  Take some time to think about how you may be contributing to the problem.  Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that we can’t see where we may be contributing to the problem, or our part in the problem may not be clear to us.  Perhaps your part is that you feel stuck and can’t forgive and move forward.  Perhaps you are avoiding addressing the issue because you prefer not to engage in drama, or maybe you simply hate conflict. 

3.  Have a Resolution Idea Before the Confrontation:  Think of at least two ideas of how you think the problem can be resolved.  Next, schedule a meeting with the family member or members and state the problem, own your part, listen to what they have to say, and offer your ideas for resolution.  Be willing to hear their ideas and work together to come to an agreement.  If the entire issue can’t be resolved in one meeting, set a time to meet again and continue the process of working toward complete resolution and restoration of the relationship.  Let the other person know that restoration is important to you.

4.  Realize It Takes Two:  A relationship does not exist without more than one person.  It takes two to fight and two to make up.  Sometime we simply can’t resolve an issue no matter how hard we try.  We have to accept the fact that at least for the present time, the relationship is over.  This is challenging in a family because you may be forced to spend time with them at family functions throughout your life time.  When this happens, make sure you have peace that you have tried your best and then work toward managing your emotions at family events so can enjoy yourself.  Remember…the only person you can control is You! 

5.  Seek Counseling When Needed:  Sometimes, people are so emotionally hurt or the issue is so complex that an objective third party is necessary to help both family members have a voice and work together to resolve issues and restore the relationship.  When you feel like you have tried to mend the relationship with no success, try suggesting that you and the other family member or members schedule a counseling session together.  Remember, the bottom line is restoring the relationship and enjoying peace and harmony in the family.  Healthy relationships are part your overall mental and emotional well-being and learning to resolve conflict is a life skill we all need to develop. 

There is Hope for Healing that leads to Harmony in Life through Counseling!  

 

The Key to Happiness is Gratitude – not Attitude

4 Ways to Practice Gratitude:

Having a positive attitude is a great way to face life every day, but if you do not know how to embrace and practice gratitude, you may still be unhappy.  In the busy world we live in, it can be very difficult to be grateful, especially when we are facing challenges with our relationships, family, finances, or health issues.  Many times in counseling, clients will tell me they are optimistic and have a positive attitude, but they still feel unhappy.  This is usually a result of a disconnect existing between what they are thinking and feeling.  To be happy and healthy regardless of life’s circumstances, we must allow ourselves to connect our thoughts with emotions and spiritual beliefs.  Try these four easy ways to practice embracing gratitude every day.  Then notice how you start feeling calmer and happier even when your circumstances stay the same. 

Be Thankful Two Times a Day:  When gratitude is at the beginning and end of your day – every day will be a good one.  Two things will happen to every person every day…we wake up and we go to sleep.  How we start and end our day is essential to our state of happiness.  Regardless of what time we get up or go to sleep, most of us have some kind of routine like taking a shower and getting dressed in the morning or getting our bed clothes on and saying “good night” to our loved ones in the evening.  Although we can’t always control how our day will go, we can always find something to be grateful for.   Metal health experts suggest that expressing gratitude can be a great way to start and end your day in a way that nurtures our mental and emotional wellbeing.  Try making it a habit during your morning and evening routine to express gratitude out loud and notice how different your days are!    

Be Specific in Your Gratitude:  Be sure to be specific when you are acknowledging what you are thankful for.  Try saying both what you THINK and how you FEEL.  This allows the brain to think specifically and connect with a feeling emotionally so you are more likely to be positively impacted for overall wellbeing.  For example, don’t just say, “I am thankful to be healthy”, but think about what being healthy means for you.  Instead, say, “I am so thankful that I can see the beautiful colors of the clothes I am wearing today, because wearing this outfit makes me feel pretty”, or, “I am so thankful I can ride bikes with my daughter today after school because I feel happy when we spend time together riding bikes.”   

Share Your Gratitude:  Text, email, tweet, facebook, or call someone and share your specific thoughts and feelings of gratitude with other people.  Try it…it only takes a few minutes to share what you are thankful for with your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, store clerks, waiters, or whoever you have an opportunity to connect with.  This is a way to “pay it forward”…sharing your gratitude with others will be a blessing to you and them.  Multiple research studies have shown that sharing gratitude strengthens marriages and improves your health.

Include Your Faith:  Whether you are embracing gratitude or sharing it, include your faith practices with your thoughts and feelings.  For example, if you are a Christian, you may want to include thanking the Lord through the practice of prayer, or reading a scripture each morning for inspiration, or sharing a testimony in church.  Research studies support the idea that including whatever faith you practice into your daily gratitude routine will strengthen your overall mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing.  

Sometimes in life we just can’t find reasons to be grateful.  If you find yourself struggling to be grateful, feel overwhelmed at the end of every day, or have had significant changes in your life – you may benefit from talking with a counselor who can help you work through your struggles to develop and maintain strong mental and emotional wellbeing. 

3 Ways to Make Saying “No” Easier During the Holidays

Even Santa Can’t Please Everyone…
Do you remember the disappointment you felt when you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas as a child?  Although you may have felt devastated in the moment, you got over it and enjoyed the other gifts and time with your family.  The truth is that even Santa can’t please everyone so why do we think we can? 

If we are going to enjoy the holidays, we have to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much we want to…we just can’t please everyone.  Let’s face it, we just have to say “no” to some of our loved ones, friends, and co-workers during the holidays.  We simply can’t please everyone – no matter how much we want to.  Unfortunately, there will be parties, events, and family get-togethers we will not be able to attend because of overlapping schedules, finances, and priorities.  To avoid feeling overwhelmed or guilty when you have to say “no”, make sure you spend some time prioritizing and deciding what you can and can’t do ahead of time regarding finances, events, and traditions. 

1.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you and your family create a budget and decide how to spend the money together.  Creating a holiday budget only takes a short amount of time, but can save a large amount of stress during this time of year.  Decide on a dollar amount to spend over the Holiday season for gifts, parties, outfits, food, and travel – and stick to it!  Without a budget, you will overspend and the financial strain will be a source of stress long after the holidays are over.  

First, decide on the amount of money you can spend over the entire season.  If you are married, make this decision with your spouse so the two of you work together as a team to support each other and have accountability to avoid over spending. 

Second, make a list of costs beginning with “Have To” and ending with “Want To”.   Be sure to create the list with your spouse and children so you can designate money for everyone that allows you to stay within your budget.  If there is not enough money for all the “want to” items, try being creative as a family and come up with ideas to reduce gift, food, and travel costs that may allow you to afford the “want to’s” on your list.

 2.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you decide what events you can and can’t attend after prioritizing them according to your family’s schedule and financial budget.  Job, neighborhood and organization parties, church and school programs, family gatherings, and community events!  The invitations and commitments can be overwhelming.  Attending all of these events will be impossible, but the thoughts of missing any of them can be so disappointing.   As your calendar begins to fill up, set aside some time to prioritize what events you will attend – and prepare to decline the ones you will not be attending.   The most difficult part of saying “No” to attending an event is telling the person who invited you because you don’t want to hurt their feeling or miss an opportunity to spend time with the people attending.  The worst thing to do is to not RSVP or just not show up.  Understand that the person may be disappointed and may not understand why you can’t attend, but responding to the invitation is the best way to keep a good relationship with them.  Don’t feel you have to always give a detailed reason for not attending, because people may not understand your priorities.  Simply letting them know you have another obligation is a sufficient decline.  Be sure to be kind and genuine in letting them know that you appreciate the invitation, but will not be able to attend and remind yourself that you have to say “no” at times to events you want to attend – even during the holidays.

3.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you and your spouse decide what Traditions are important to your family.  Every family has annual holiday traditions they enjoy year after year and are an important part of creating special memories.  However, when you get married and start your own family, it is impossible to continue to meet the expectations of keeping all the traditions you both grew up with including pleasing both sets of in-laws every year while also trying to accommodate traditions with your friends and co-workers. 

Trying to make your boss, in-laws, and friends happy can place an enormous amount of stress on your marriage and family.  Take some time with your spouse to talk about the family traditions you each cherish from childhood, the ones you would like to continue, and the new ones you would like to begin with your family.  Once you decide on the traditions for your family, saying “No” to in-laws, co-workers, and friends will be much easier.   For example, telling your in-laws you will be spending the day at your own home instead of coming to theirs may hurt their feelings, but being in agreement as a couple will help you come up with ways to compromise some aspects of the changes and continue to enjoy the holidays.  Perhaps inviting your in-laws, friends, and co-workers to join one of your new traditions, or informing each of these groups about traditions you have with the other groups may help in scheduling events that will enable you to attend, or at least increase the understanding of why you may not be able to attend. 

Saying “No” is a must during the holidays in order to avoid financial, emotional, physical and/or marital stress.   Try these ideas to make saying “No” easier and then just enjoy creating special memories instead of being stressed out trying to please everyone.    

3 Ways to Love Yourself

Do you love yourself?  This isn’t exactly an easy question to answer because at times you may love certain aspects of yourself while despising others.  Sometimes we feel loved and cherished by other people and sometimes we may feel like nobody loves us.  We can’t base feeling loved on the actions of other people or how we feel from time to time. 

We have to learn to be the one to love ourselves unconditionally.  When we do, we will be able to accept and give love in a healthier and more fulfilling way throughout our lifetime.

Here are 3 Ways to Practice Loving Yourself:

Say It: 

When is the last time you told yourself “I love you”?   Multiple research studies have shown that we can change our habits, beliefs, and brain chemistry over a period of 90 days.   We have learned that positive self-talk has a powerful affect on a person’s sense of self worth.  When you say, “I love you” to yourself – you are thinking, saying, and hearing that you are loved.  This makes a powerful impact on developing your belief system and increasing your self-esteem.

Show It: 

When we love someone, we give our time and effort to show it by our actions.  We will go to great lengths to protect, value, and care for a loved one.  How do you show love to yourself?  Are you protecting yourself by establishing healthy boundaries?  Do you value yourself by treating yourself with kindness and caring for your body, mind, and spirit?  Showing love to yourself involves nurturing your mental and emotional health, spending time embracing your spiritual beliefs, and taking care of yourself physically with a healthy diet and exercise plan that includes a healthy sleep pattern and relaxation time. 

Share It: 

Loving other people becomes so much more fulfilling for us when we practice loving ourselves because the love we give comes from a genuine place in ourselves.  When we have a strong sense of self-esteem and self-worth, we understand the value of embracing our uniqueness and are able to focus on the positive more than the negative.  Your attitude and countenance will be an encouragement to other people.   When you feel loved yourself, you can easily share that love with others through words and actions. 

Today is a great time to start Loving Yourself.  Why not make a commitment every day for the next 90 days to say “I love you” to yourself, take daily action to show yourself love, and then share that love with others every day.  You may want to journal your “love journey” to be able to reflect on the changes in your life as a result of loving yourself. 

There is Hope for Healing that produces Harmony through Counseling!

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