Suicide Risk Factors | How do I know if someone is suicidal?

Losing a loved one to suicide is traumatizing and heart breaking in so many ways. The shock and overwhelming grief of a sudden death, feeling guilty for not being able to save them, not having any closure or answers to the “why” they took their life, the reality of never seeing them again, and the confusing feelings of anger, shame, and sadness can all be debilitating factors for the surviving family members and friends.

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Although depression, anxiety, and substance abuse issues seem to contribute to a higher risk for suicide, there is not one thing that causes suicidal thoughts or completion. Below is a list of warning signs someone may be at risk for suicide. However, preventing a person from completing suicide is not a clear process because there are several confusing factors. For example, sometimes a person seems to “have it all together” when they take their life. At times, a person may be struggling with mental or physical illness, but because they are seeking treatment, we think they will be okay. Sometimes, a person makes threats multiple times and never follows through so people begin to ignore their threats. Some people will make an attempt to commit suicide as a cry for help. People who commit suicide may talk about it or may not ever talk about it prior to doing it. And remember that many people have suicidal thoughts when they are going through a difficult time or feel depressed without wanting to actually commit suicide….so how do you know?suicide 3

If you believe you know someone who may be suicidal, please share your love and care and encourage them to seek mental health therapy. If they meet some risk factors and tell you they have a plan to harm themselves, please don’t hesitate to call the police so they can get inpatient treatment. In Florida, the police can take a person to the hospital involuntarily for assessment and treatment if they are threatening to harm themselves. The fear of your loved one being angry with you and the confusion of not knowing what to do is very normal. Please take the risk factors and suicidal threats seriously. Follow your intuition because it is better to try to get help than to ignore the warning signs.

Suicide risk factors include:

  • Childhood Trauma
  • Family Members who have committed suicide
  • Past suicide attempts
  • Prolonged periods of stress like unemployment, being bullied and harassed, relationship issues, losses, rejection, financial struggles
  • Serious mental or physical health diagnosis
  • Chronic pain
  • Drug or alcohol abuse
  • Traumatic head injury
  • Experiencing or Witnessing a Traumatic event
  • Changes in mood, diet, sleep, behavior, habits, and interests, etc.
  • Increased irritability or a very sudden sense of calm and peace
  • Isolation or reaching out to people to make amends that they do not usually interact with
  • Giving things away or getting very organized

 

Pay special attention if the above risk factors take place after a significant event. In addition, if someone is also talking about the following they could be at a higher risk for suicide:

  • Killing themselves
  • Feeling hopeless or helpless
  • Believe they are a burden
  • Feeling trapped
  • Stating they don’t have any reason to live
  • Express they are in unbearable pain
  • Express extreme anger and talk about revenge
  • Speak using language that seems to be saying goodbye
  • Talks about killing themselves and has access to the means to do so such as a firearm, medication, etc.

 

The World Health Organization estimates that 1 million people commit suicide annually around the world. The most recent statistics show that in 2022, approximately 49,449  people took their own life in the United States and 1.7 million people attempted suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7: 800-273-8255

Call 988 to talk to someone or 911 for emergency services.

References:

  • American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
  • National Institute of Mental Health
  • Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
5 Reasons Married Couples Should Never Stop Dating

When we date, we present our best self, show an interest in the person we are dating, make time for them, spend time thinking about them, communicating with them, and usually can’t wait to see them at the end of our day. Dating allows us to dream about the future, share our ups and downs and feel like we are not alone in life’s journey.

Then we get engaged, get married, take on a mortgage, work hard to build careers, raise children and become consumed with busyness that leaves little time for our marriage to be a priority. In addition, some couples are blending families, have community and church commitments…the list of obligations that take our time and attention can go on and on.

Dating…

keeps the Marriage a Priority. Dating says I love you, you are important to me. Purposely planning a weekly date forces you to think about your partner, look forward to having a fun or romantic time together, and helps the marriage stay a priority. I recommend making a decision that if we don’t have time for a date for just the two of us, then we don’t have time for friends and family. Sometimes we spend all of our free time with people we love to be with, but it robs us of the opportunity for that special time we need to connect on a regular basis. Keep enjoying time with friends and family, but try to make time for a date before you make plans with other people.

provides an opportunity to learn new things about each other. One of the best things about dating someone new is skiingthat you get to learn about them. Dating allows you to continue to learn new things about each other. For example, spend time on your date only talking about the two of you. Try new activities and ask each other open-ended questions like, “What is your greatest fear?” “What is your best childhood memory?” Also, take time to share your likes and dislike and have fun getting to know each other as you each grow as individuals over your life time.

sets an example for your children. I believe the best gift you give your children is the example of a healthy marriage (not a perfect one, a healthy one). Your kids will see you make the marriage a priority, spend time together without them, and learn how to treat a partner by your example. Too often, the children can become the priority over the marriage. Remember, one of the most important parental goals you have is to raise your children as a team to become independent of you one day so if the marriage isn’t the priority during the years you are raising children, it can be very difficult to reconnect during the empty-nester years. bike riding

strengthens sexual intimacy. Most couples I see who are not dating tend to have poor relational intimacy and often times end up in sexless marriages. When you are out on a date, you may be dressed up, laughing, creating romance, and usually feel more connected. Staying home in comfy clothes snuggle on the couch, watching a movie while the kids spend the night with grandparents can also provide an opportunity to connect sexually. Dating provides the opportunity to talk about sex and to experience sexual arousal and stronger relational connection.

makes all other areas of life easier. The stressors of life seem so much easier when we are connected as a couple. Dating keeps us connected and reminds us that we are a priority to each other, that we are a team, we are on the journey of life together, and that someone is always there for us through the good and bad times life brings. Jobs, friends, and finances can change, but your marriage bond is the one constant in life that can help you live life to the fullest as you enjoy the blessings and survive the challenges of the human experience. If you have stopped dating, please make that reservation this week to start making the marriage relationship the priority again and enjoy the journey of being life-mates! Have fun!

Adjustment Disorder | Stress From Life Changes

50% of marriages in America are ending in divorce, 9.4% of the population in Florida are unemployed, people are diagnosed with chronic illnesses every day, and the internet makes changes every second that contribute to the ongoing flow of new information we need to be aware of in order to thrive in this global world we are living in.  Every person will experience some type of change on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis throughout a lifespan.  Change of any kind can add a tremendous amount of stress to our lives.  Adjusting to these changes is the key to maintaining strong emotional and mental well-being.  When your normal life is disrupted with change, you may start to feel sad, confused, lonely, desperate, and angry.  You may act out with behaviors that are unusual for you such as fighting, or dangerous driving.  You may also experience symptoms of both anxiety and depression. 

An Adjustment Disorder is a clinical diagnosis resulting from the development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor(s) occurring within 3 months of the onset of the stressor(s). 

Below are some of the normal and expected symptoms you may be experiencing from adjusting to some kind of change taking place in your life.

Shock / Denial / Anger / Sadness

Excessive Crying / Confusion / Depression

Anxiety / Fatigue / Irritability / Loneliness

Panic Attacks / Changes in Sleep Pattern or Weight

3 Tips for Adjusting to Change: 

Realize Change is Normal:  Allow yourself to feel what comes naturally, express how you are feeling with someone you trust, and realize you may be experiencing the grieving process due to the loss of your old familiar “normal” – this is a completely natural process.  In time, you will adjust to your new “normal” and your feelings of anxiety and depression will decrease.

Expect the Future to be Different:  Understanding that change brings about a different future will help you avoid being depressed and anxious while you are adjusting to the change.  For example, you may have to seek new employment or move away from family, but you may find a more rewarding and better paying job, you may develop stronger bonds with family through communicating long distance because you will put more effort into the relationships – meaning that you will still have a career and family relationships, but they will be different in some way.  Remember change is not necessarily always bad or good, but is always different.  How we adjust and perceive the change is the key to being healthy mentally and emotionally.

Know When to Seek Help:  If your symptoms continue for several months or you begin to realize that these symptoms are interfering with your normal everyday activities and relationships or ability to function, you may need to talk with a professional counselor to help you through this time of adjustment to develop healthy coping skills and a sense of independence to go forward.

Treatment for Adjustment Disorders is usually short term and solution focused.  Counseling is an excellent way to assist you and your loved ones to adjust to any changes in a healthy and productive way.

There is Hope for Healing that produces Harmony through Counseling!

 

COVID 19 Pandemic | Anxiety | Depression

Job loss, financial concerns, your children’s education, fear of sickness, concern for loved ones, and isolation are just a few of the many factors impacting us during this pandemic and uncertain time in our nation.  It is very normal to experience increased anxiety, depression, and irritability during stressful times.  Here are some things to practice in order to keep healthy mentally, emotionally, and relationally…

Acceptance

The most important tool we have is our self-talk.  We have the power to change our mood by changing the way we speak to ourselves.  The first step in keeping our internal peace during a difficult time is to acknowledge that this is happening, it is out of my control, and it is temporary.  Acceptance is essential for our mental well-being.  Our natural reaction to a negative event or circumstance is to be in shock and denial or even become resistant to believing what is happening.  This natural reaction can lead to negative self-talk and irritability, negative thoughts and emotions, and avoidance.  Once we clearly accept the situation, it allows our brain to focus on what we CAN do instead of what we can’t.

Self-Care

Balanced self-care includes a healthy diet, exercise, sleep, spiritual practices, fun, hobbies, and connecting with family and friends. It is important to use online video services and facetime to keep as many of our weekly groups, hobbies, and other meetings going as well as staying connected to friends and loved ones.  And please don’t forget to intentionally make time for fun like watching a funny movie, playing with your pets, playing games, creating something through art or writing, anything that can bring a smile or create some joyful moments. 

We especially have to take care of ourselves physically and spiritually if we are going to maintain a healthy mind and mood during a challenging time.  Exercise decreases stress and improves your mood because your body releases the feel-good chemicals dopamine and endorphins in the brain.  Another benefit of exercise is increased energy during the day which helps you sleep better at night.  Research indicates that exercise keeps your muscles and bones healthy and strong, promotes growth of new brain cells called neurons, and increases the quality and longevity of life.  We have to exercise so think of ways to make it fun and productive as a family while you are home like dancing together, taking a walk, doing an exercise video, jumping in the pool, or cleaning out the garage.

In addition to exercise, giving attention to our spirituality and faith practices is essential to maintaining a health mind and mood.  Think of ways to get some quiet time for yourself to practice meditation, reading your Bible, or praying.  Get the family together as you normally would and watch your church service online, perhaps have a time of singing or getting creative to find ways to practice your spiritual beliefs and rituals. 

Gratitude

During times of uncertainty, loss, and fear, it can difficult to find things to be thankful for in our situation.  Research indicates that practicing gratitude decreases depression and increases happiness and helps people deal with adversity.  Think of practicing gratitude for the past, present, and future.  For example, reflecting on past memories and experiences of successes and blessings, or thinking about other difficult situations and circumstances that you survived and overcame, perhaps lessons you learned that can help you today.  Then focusing on acknowledging your current blessings such as good health, having people who love you, the tangible and non-tangible ways you are blessed.  Keeping an optimistic attitude is a way to practice gratitude focused on the future.  Perhaps express gratitude in words or writing or gifts to someone you appreciate.  Gratitude is a way to acknowledge the goodness in our lives. 

Helping Others

When we do something for someone else, the benefits are very similar to exercise like lowering our blood pressure, reducing physical pain, reducing depression symptoms, increasing mood and quality of life.  It just feels good to know we helped someone else.  Think about calling and chatting for a while with someone you know who lives alone.  What about making a meal or special dessert for your neighbor or mailing a hand-written note to someone telling them how much you appreciate them.  Perhaps the best way to help others is to simply show kindness.  A kind word or deed may actually last much longer than any tangible gift we can give and will also lift our spirits as well as the person we are showing kindness to. 

Managing Anxiety and Depression Symptoms

Practicing acceptance, self-care, gratitude, and helping others are all ways to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression.  When you are feeling anxious, notice your senses to calm down your brain and nervous system.  For example, focus on looking at something with color in the room and smell a fruit, lotion, or candle.  Listen to music or the quiet in the room and feel the chair you are sitting in or the clothing you are wearing.  In addition, breath in your nose counting to 7, hold your breath for a count of 4 then out your mouth counting to 7.  Paying attention to your senses and deep breathing will reduce anxiety in the immediate moment significantly.  To manage feelings of depression, try to keep a daily schedule.  Plan out your day at home with regular time to get up in the morning and going to sleep at night, plan hours you will work, exercise, play, etc.  Structure and consistency will help keep you from clinical depression.  Remember to be gracious to yourself during challenging times because experiencing anxiety and negative feelings is very normal.

Dr. Hollenbeck is a Certified Telemental Health Therapist and offers clients video and phone sessions.  Please call or text 407.408.6521 to schedule an appointment. 

Secrets of Sexual Abuse | 4 Tips for Talking to Children

4 Tips for Talking to Children about Secrets

There is an estimated 39 million survivors of sexual abuse in America. Experts believe 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually assaulted by the age of 18 with 9 years old being the average age of reported abuse. It is a sad fact that many adults seeking counseling for surviving sexual abuse have kept horrible secrets since childhood that have negatively impacted many, if not all areas of their life. When the physical aspect of the abuse stops, the survivor continues to be abused by the secrets they hold and the ongoing confusion and dysfunctional beliefs they must try to reconcile as they mature into adulthood.

 

A Secret is most often defined as “A piece of information that is known by only a small number of people and is deliberately not told to other people.” Children can be encourage to keep the horrible secrets by being manipulated with kindness, being convinced they are the ones doing wrong, or by being threatened with violence against them or someone they love.

Being Sexually Abused is a very dangerous secret to keep because it can be a cause of the survivor developing an eating disorder, abusing drugs and alcohol, suicidal thoughts, sexual addictions and destructive behavior, and becoming sexual abusers themselves.

 

Responsible adults must be proactive in helping to protect children from sexual abuse. The ugly truth is that the abuser is often the person whose role it is to protect the child. For this reason, parents, grandparents, extended family, teachers, pastors, youth leaders, and friends should consider talking openly with children to educate them about secrets.

 

4 Tips for Talking to Children About Secrets:

  • There is no such thing as a “good secret”. Children can get confused if we try to explain the difference between good and bad secrets, so it is best to teach a child that if someone tells them to keep a secret, they should always tell you what the secret is. Building trust with a child is important so they feel safe and confident in telling their secret.
  • Explain the difference between a secret and a surprise. For example, you can explain to a child that a surprise is when daddy tells you what mommy is getting on Friday for her birthday. It is okay to not tell mommy the surprise because she will know on Friday. A Surprise is something that everyone will know soon. A Secret is something that someone tells you not to tell anyone. No matter what the secret is, it is always okay to tell Daddy. This conversation is good to have multiple times with children and adolescents to reinforce the difference between a secret and a surprise, and to reinforce to them that they have a safe person they can trust to tell their secrets.
  • Start Talking Soon and Often: Begin talking with your child at an early age and educating them about their body. Use opportunities that come up in every day conversation to address issues of being safe. Develop boundaries with them regarding people they know and don’t know. Discuss “what should we do” in various hypothetical situations, including ones that involve someone touching them inappropriately or talking to them inappropriately about sex. This will help them develop their critical thinking skills and be less likely to keep secrets.
  • Always say, “I Believe You”. No matter what the secret is or who the secret is about, it is very important to be sure to always verbalize that you believe children of all ages when they tell you a secret. One of the ways abusers get children to keep secrets is by convincing them that no one will believe them. If someone who is being abused tells their secret and they are not believed, they most likely will continue to be abused and not tell anyone again.

 

When a child keeps the secret of abuse, regardless of the form of abuse, their body, mind, and spirit are violated and impacted negatively forever. Abuse can never be “forgotten”, but the survivor can heal from the horrific effects of physical and psychological damage and experience a life of health and harmony through counseling. The healing process can’t begin until the secret is told to someone who will believe them and take action to support them in seeking help.

5 Tips for Solving Family Feuds

Every family will experience conflicts at some time or another throughout a life time.  Special occasions, events, and holidays can be difficult when family members are at odds with each other due to unresolved issues.  Attempting to resolve problems within a family always leads to a happier and healthier family dynamic.   The next time you are facing an issue in your family – try following these 5 Tips. 

1.  Remind Yourself…The Problem is the Problem, Not the Person:  When we are at odds with a family member, just hearing their name can make us have feelings of anger and distress.  We can lose sight of what the problem is and begin to hate the person.  Anxiety and anger can cloud our judgment and ability to reason.  Stay focused on what the problem is and what specifically happened.  Remember, we are all capable as human beings to hurt others in some way.  Take a minute and imagine if you were the one who did the wrong and how that may feel.  The person you are in conflict with will be in your family forever, the problem causing the conflict only exists as long as the family allows it to. 

2.  Own Up to Your Part:  Take some time to think about how you may be contributing to the problem.  Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that we can’t see where we may be contributing to the problem, or our part in the problem may not be clear to us.  Perhaps your part is that you feel stuck and can’t forgive and move forward.  Perhaps you are avoiding addressing the issue because you prefer not to engage in drama, or maybe you simply hate conflict. 

3.  Have a Resolution Idea Before the Confrontation:  Think of at least two ideas of how you think the problem can be resolved.  Next, schedule a meeting with the family member or members and state the problem, own your part, listen to what they have to say, and offer your ideas for resolution.  Be willing to hear their ideas and work together to come to an agreement.  If the entire issue can’t be resolved in one meeting, set a time to meet again and continue the process of working toward complete resolution and restoration of the relationship.  Let the other person know that restoration is important to you.

4.  Realize It Takes Two:  A relationship does not exist without more than one person.  It takes two to fight and two to make up.  Sometime we simply can’t resolve an issue no matter how hard we try.  We have to accept the fact that at least for the present time, the relationship is over.  This is challenging in a family because you may be forced to spend time with them at family functions throughout your life time.  When this happens, make sure you have peace that you have tried your best and then work toward managing your emotions at family events so can enjoy yourself.  Remember…the only person you can control is You! 

5.  Seek Counseling When Needed:  Sometimes, people are so emotionally hurt or the issue is so complex that an objective third party is necessary to help both family members have a voice and work together to resolve issues and restore the relationship.  When you feel like you have tried to mend the relationship with no success, try suggesting that you and the other family member or members schedule a counseling session together.  Remember, the bottom line is restoring the relationship and enjoying peace and harmony in the family.  Healthy relationships are part your overall mental and emotional well-being and learning to resolve conflict is a life skill we all need to develop. 

There is Hope for Healing that leads to Harmony in Life through Counseling!  

 

10 Reasons Why Counseling Is A Romantic Gift

Roses, chocolate, and jewelry are all great gifts – but if you want to give your wife the ultimate gift of romance – give her the gift of Counseling.   What could possibly be more romantic than saying, “I love you and value our marriage so much that I want to do everything I can to make it even better and stronger”. 

Marriage counseling is not just a place to address problems, but it is a chance to develop and strengthen your relationship by building true intimacy.

Men, if you are looking for a gift to show your wife how much you love her and you want to increase the romance in your marriage – consider these ten reasons why Counseling is the most romantic gift you can give her…

1.  Investment:  Counseling is a major investment in your marriage.  A woman has a need to feel loved and cherished…like she is the most important thing in your world.  When you invest your time and money in the counseling process, you are showing her how important she is to you!  Flowers and candy are short-term investments in love…Counseling is a lifetime investment in love with unending dividends.
2.  Intimacy:  Sexual intimacy increases when you build stronger emotional bonds with your wife.  Counseling provides a place to overcome sexual issues and deepen your intimacy physically and emotionally. Increased intimacy will lead to increased sexual satisfaction. 
3.  Communication:  The most important factor in a strong marriage is communication.  Learning how to express yourself openly and honestly with your wife and gaining a better understanding of her communication style will increase how you much you “feel comfortable and connected” to each other.
4.  Forgiveness:  Hearing the words, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” is usually not enough to heal emotional and relational pain in a marriage relationship.  When one or both of you have been hurt, the pain can keep you stuck from going forward and cause resentment.  Forgiveness is a process.  Counseling provides a safe place for you both to work through hurts and disappointments together.
5.  Conflict Resolution:  Unresolved issues are the main cause of mental and emotional distress in a marriage.  Avoiding a problem or overreacting to one creates a wedge in your relationship.  Learning how to resolve matters no matter how big or small the issue may be will lead to peace and harmony in your marriage.
6.  Parenting:  A child’s development and wellbeing often depends on the relationship between their parents. Counseling gives you and your wife an opportunity to look at how you are parenting as a couple and strengthen both your parenting style and parenting plan.  One of the most important ways to love your child is to set an example of loving your wife.
7.  Childhood:  Sharing childhood experiences with your wife and gaining a better understanding of what influenced her during childhood helps you both have insight into the adults you are today.  Sometimes we are blind to the habits and patterns we have developed from our childhood experiences and family influences.  A professional counselor can help you gain insight into your childhood experiences and the positive or negative impact they are having on your marriage today.

8.  Goals:  Do you know what goals your wife has for your marriage?  What are her financial goals, parenting goals, personal goals…How does she imagine her future with you in 5 years…10 years?  Have you shared your goals with her?  Counseling gives you an opportunity to develop and share your goals with each other and then create a plan to reach them.  Dreaming about and planning for the future creates a romantic connection and excitement in your marriage.
9.  Trust: Marital romance does not exist without intimate trust. When trust is broken, it takes time rebuild feelings of safety and confidence in your relationship.  If trust is an issue in your marriage, coming to counseling shows your willingness to be open and honest and will give you and your wife the tools to rebuild and maintain trust for a lifetime.

10.  Commitment: Giving time, money and energy to the counseling process is the most romantic way to show your wife you are committed to her and to your marriage.  It shows how much you value her.  There is no greater way to earn her respect than to be a man who honors his commitments and is wiling to learn and grow with her for a lifetime. 

3 Facts Every Couple Should Know About Sex

As a Certified Sex Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I help couples address a broad spectrum of sexual issues. In my experience, I believe there are three basic facts that all couples should know to help them maintain a healthy sexual relationship that is intimate and fulfilling for both partners.images

1.  You Have To Talk About Sex

Communication is the Foundation of Relationship and we all know how important talking to each other…really talking to each other, is to the success of any partnership. Many of the couples I help in Sex Therapy treatment and Couples Counseling have never really talked about sex. There are very valid reasons for avoiding the subject.   Probably the most common reason is the fear of hurting each other’s feelings.  We don’t want to hurt the person we love or embarrass them (or ourselves). Then there is the belief that you just don’t talk about sex…yes, even in today’s world children are being raised in a home and culture where talking about sex is taboo.  So couples simply do not know what questions to ask or how to go about approaching the topic. Regardless of the reason for not talking about sex, every couple should be talking about it. One easy way to begin would be to make an effort to bring up the topic with your partner on your next date night by sharing something you really love about having sex with them. Also, think about purchasing a book on the topic and read it together in the evening. Both of these suggestions will most likely break the ice and help you both feel more natural discussing the topic and help you grow even closer as a couple.

2.  Sexual Problems Are Very Common

Don’t ever base the quality of your sex life together on performance. There are a large number of potential sexual problems that can occur for a couple over the lifespan. As a couple, your goal should be enjoying each other sexually as a natural extension of your relationship. The goal should not be having an orgasm, or having to perform for a length of time, or a certain number of times a week you have to have sex. Every couple is unique and will most likely experience some type of sexual dilemma during their relationship over a life span. Anxiety, depression, age, disease, stress, physical illness, trauma, differing desire levels, pregnancy, hormones, biology, genes, beliefs, and surgery are just a few of the many factors that affect a couple’s sexual interaction.   There is nothing to be embarrassed about, sexual issues are a part of life and are treatable. When you and your partner begin to experience sexual issues, remember you are a team and together you can address the problems with success.   Be open and talk about the sexual problem, be supportive of each other, get educated on the issue you are experiencing, and if you can’t solve it on your own or with your medical doctor, then meet with a Certified Sex Therapist and they will most likely help you solve the problem.  get-2

3.  A Healthy Sexual Relationship is a Collaborative Process

In order for a couple to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship, they must understand that it is a collaborative process. Remember you are a team, partners in every aspect of your relationship and your sexual relationship is no different than any other area.  Below are the characteristics of a collaborative process that must be applied as a couple in order to successfully address sexual problems when they exist. Discuss these as a couple alone or with a Couples Therapist to help you and your partner successfully resolve sexual problems.

  • Parity Within The Couple
  • Mutual Goals
  • Shared Responsibility for Participation
  • Shared Responsibility for Decision Making
  • Shared Resources
  • Shared Accountability for Outcomes
  • Reliability on Mutual Trust
5 Steps to Addressing Micro-Cheating in a Relationship

What is Micro-Cheating?

Micro-Cheating is all the so called little things that may feel like infidelity to one spouse, but does not involve having sex with another person. The general concept of cheating can be gray instead of black and white for couples. For example, your wife may never even consider having an extramarital affair with another man, but she doesn’t see anything wrong with staying friends with or even flirting with her ex-boyfriend on facebook. Your husband may say he is totally devoted to you. However, he is having lunch every day with a female coworker and he becomes defensive about it when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

 

There is a difference between being friendly or courteous and being inappropriate or flirting. For example, saying, “You look very nice today” is different than saying, “Wow, you really look hot in that outfit”.   Opening the door for another woman is different than engaging in personal conversation with her. A rule of thumb to consider is that any time you give yourself and your time emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually to someone outside your marriage, it can be considered a betrayal because it is energy, time, attention, intimacy, and affection that should be given to your spouse.

Below are a few examples that may be considered micro-cheating:

Are you keeping your activity and/or conversations with someone you work with a secret from your spouse?

Have you entered someone’s name in your phone under a code or fictitious name?

Are you having private conversations through social media that you keep a secret?

Do you spend time thinking about another person and go out of your way to make time to see them, meet with them, or talk to them?

Do you flirt with other people?

Do you objectify people (think of them sexually instead of a whole person)?

Are you sharing too much personal information about your feelings, relationship or life with someone other than your spouse?

Are you spending more and more time talking to and meeting up with a coworker that is not spent actually doing work?

Are you keeping an ongoing friendship with someone you had a former romantic relationship with?

Are you lying to your spouse?

Are you sexting (talking about sex or sending and receiving sexual pictures with someone)?

Do you spend time on adult websites or visit adult entertainment places without your spouse’s knowledge?

Does your partner tell you that any of your behaviors bother them and they would like you to stop, but you do not see anything wrong with what you are doing?

5 Steps to Addressing Micro-Cheating in a Marriage:

Calm Down: If you find out your partner has micro-cheated, it is very likely you will feel anger, hurt, shock, and anxiety. It can be very easy to jump to conclusions. Keep in mind that your partner may not realize they did anything wrong.  Take time to calm down first, identify what you are feeling and then decide how you will address the issue with your partner.   Remember to ask questions verses making accusations. Also, share how what they did impacts you verses yelling, name calling, ending the relationship, etc.

Define What Constitutes Infidelity: Make time to have a conversation about each other’s definition of fidelity. Discuss what you each consider to be betrayal behaviors. You may be surprised that you view things very differently. For example, one of you may view flirting as harmless and the other one views it as betrayal. Your value systems related to relationships are developed from several factors, including witnessing your parent’s relationship, cultural and spiritual beliefs, influence from friends, unrealistic ideas from movies, experiences from past relationships, your own personality, etc. It is important to keep open and ongoing conversations about what is ok and not ok within the relationship.

Take Ownership: If your partner tells you they feel betrayed by your behaviors, don’t dismiss their feelings or argue with them. Acknowledge what you did was painful to them and caused mistrust. Then apologize, and agree on ways to prevent the behavior in the future.

Create Boundaries to Protect the Marriage: I highly recommend the book entitled Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. This book helps you as a couple to understand how to create boundaries to protect your relationship. For example, there may be things that are not necessarily wrong, but they threaten the safety of the relationship verses strengthening it. As a couple, you do not have to agree on everything, but you do have to honor your partner by being willing to make changes that help them feel valued and safe in the marriage.

Get Professional Help from a Marriage Therapist: If your spouse lies or becomes defensive, or if he/she has promised to stop in the past and you have caught them again, it can be a sign of a compulsivity issue or a sex addiction so ask your partner to go to therapy with you to find out why they promised you to stop the first time you discovered the behavior and they continued to do it. In addition, the partner who feels betrayed may need some healing from the trauma of what they discovered and the anxiety caused by broken trust. Meeting with a therapist may also help strengthen the marriage overall by gaining better communication or partnering skills. Remember counseling helps us be healthy mentally, emotionally, and relationally.

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck specializes in helping couples heal from relational betrayal. She is a Certified Trauma Professional, a Relationship Expert, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist.  In addition, she holds certifications in Sex Addiction Therapy, Partner Betrayal Trauma, Anger Management and EMDR Therapy.

“Angerholic” | 5 Signs of Anger Addiction

Do you know someone who seems to be irritable all the time or “flies off the handle” and goes into a rage over something that doesn’t go their way? Do you have family members or friends who hurt people with verbal or physical abuse and then feel really bad about it, apologize, promise never to do it again…only to end up doing it again and again?

Causes for uncontrollable anger may stem from childhood neglect, abuse, or trauma, underdeveloped emotions, learned behavior, enjoyment of the adrenaline rush, lack of conflict resolution skills, abandonment and trust issues, the need to feel in control, or the need to feel safe.

The Importance of Anger in the Betrayal Trauma Healing Journey with Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck

Anger is an emotion everyone experiences, but some people develop an addiction to being in a state of Anger or become an “Angerholic” because it may be the only emotion that they know how to express when they have an unmet need. Psychology professionals continue to discuss multiple theories of addiction origin and treatment, but there is no doubt that Anger Addiction is an ongoing issue affecting many people seeking counseling and ongoing research is needed.

BAAM’s 2008 Boiling Point Report provides the following statistics taken from a survey of 2000 people:

  • 32% have a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger.
  • 12% say that they have trouble controlling their own anger.
  • 28% say that they worry about how angry they sometimes feel.
  • 20% say that they have ended a relationship or friendship with someone because of how they behaved when they were angry.
  • 64% either strongly agree or agree that people in general are getting angrier.

There are many reasons people may be “getting angry”, but if anger is causing problems for you or someone you love, there is help available through Anger Management Therapy to address the issues and develop the skills needed to manage Anger. Below are 5 Warning Signs that may indicate someone is an “Angerholic”.

5 Signs of Anger Addiction

  1. Excessive Irritability – This is when a person seems to be irritable most of the time, even when there is no known reason to be irritable. Also, there is an increase “over the years” instead of a decrease with maturity. This may be evident in an adolescent that matures into their adult life continuing to display irritability most of the time.
  1. Isolation & Secret Grudges – Another sign is if a person who is irritable a lot seems to also like to spend time alone and not enjoy being around other people. They may seem to hold a grudge against people who they believe have done them wrong. Perhaps they were caught doing something in anger secretively such as destroying photos, making false accusations against a person, or destroying someone else’s property in anger.
  1. Outbursts of Anger – If a person has anger outbursts in response to anything that doesn’t go the way the wanted, they are not able to adjust to change without an angry outburst, or they get people to do what they want by having an angry outburst are all behaviors that indicate a serious problem with anger.
  1. Critical and Sarcastic Attitude – If someone uses negativity and sarcasm to communicate most of the time whether the criticism is directed at themselves or others is a sign of unhealthy communication rooted in anger.
  1. Feelings of Guilt and Shame – When someone is aware of their issue with anger, they may express feelings of guilt and shame and make several attempts to change unsuccessfully. The inability to stop engaging in anger driven thoughts, emotions, and behaviors on their own is a sure sign of addiction.

 

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