Most women would probably admit that at some point in their life, they have been attracted to someone who is already married, but they would never think of trying to do anything to lure the man away from his wife.  However, for some women, they only seek out married and committed men to have a relationship with. 

Mate Poaching is a term coined by David Buss several years ago in his book entitled “Evolution of Desire” that defines the behavior of men and women who purposely seek out people in a committed relationship.  A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology by Oklahoma State University found that of the single women in the study who were told their “match” was currently in a romantic relationship, 90% said they would pursue the man knowing he was not single.  Dionne Mahoffey wrote a book on the subject entitled, “Girl, Leave Her Man Alone”.  Websites like ashleymadison.com actually promote married people having affairs. 

Why do women Mate Poach?  There are several perceived benefits such as the excitement of an affair, the feeling of being “chosen” over someone else, being lavished with expensive gifts, and the feelings of power and control because there is no commitment on the part of the “poacher”.  Although some of these women may say they don’t need a man, most do desire a committed relationship and there are three reasons that may contribute to a woman engaging in Mate Poaching…

Low Self Esteem – Women with low self-esteem oftentimes have a belief that they are not good enough to be “the wife”.  Sometimes, they have been abused or mistreated in a relationship so their defense mechanism against being hurt again is to seek after relationships they know will not be a committed one.  The woman may also relate her self worth to her appearance so she will feel good about herself when she can successfully “catch” a married man.  

Sex Addiction – For women who are sex addicts, Mate Poaching is a behavior they want to stop doing, but are unable to stop without help through therapy.  There are several factors that contribute to a women becoming a sex addict including childhood sexual abuse.  Sex addicts may feel guilty and ashamed, but will continue Mate Poaching even after suffering bad consequences unless they seek professional help.

Power & Control – Some women will say they Mate Poach because they like being the “one in control” of the relationship…that they can “leave it anytime they want” and there are no “strings attached”.  The truth is that when a person must feel like they are in “control” of a relationship, it is usually because they have a fear of abandonment or commitment.  They may have a need to feel safe because they have been abused or hurt in the past and so they think if they “control” a man, they feel safe.  In reality, the woman engaging in “Mate Poaching” is controlled by the desires of the married man. He is the one who chooses when to see her, if he will leave his wife, and is usually the one who ends the affair.

Regardless of the reason, Mate Poaching can lead to emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual pain and/or harm for the women engaging in the behavior as well as the married man and his family. 

Do you know someone who seems to be irritable all the time or “flies off the handle” and goes into a rage over something that doesn’t go their way? Do you have family members or friends who hurt people with verbal or physical abuse and then feel really bad about it, apologize, promise never to do it again…only to end up doing it again and again?

Causes for uncontrollable anger may stem from childhood neglect, abuse, or trauma, underdeveloped emotions, learned behavior, enjoyment of the adrenaline rush, lack of conflict resolution skills, abandonment and trust issues, the need to feel in control, or the need to feel safe.

The Importance of Anger in the Betrayal Trauma Healing Journey with Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck

Anger is an emotion everyone experiences, but some people develop an addiction to being in a state of Anger or become an “Angerholic” because it may be the only emotion that they know how to express when they have an unmet need. Psychology professionals continue to discuss multiple theories of addiction origin and treatment, but there is no doubt that Anger Addiction is an ongoing issue affecting many people seeking counseling and ongoing research is needed.

BAAM’s 2008 Boiling Point Report provides the following statistics taken from a survey of 2000 people:

• 32% have a close friend or family member who has trouble controlling their anger.
• 12% say that they have trouble controlling their own anger.
• 28% say that they worry about how angry they sometimes feel.
• 20% say that they have ended a relationship or friendship with someone because of how they behaved when they were angry.
• 64% either strongly agree or agree that people in general are getting angrier.

There are many reasons people may be “getting angry”, but if anger is causing problems for you or someone you love, there is help available through Anger Management Therapy to address the issues and develop the skills needed to manage Anger. Below are 5 Warning Signs that may indicate someone is an “Angerholic”.

5 Signs of Anger Addiction

1. Excessive Irritability – This is when a person seems to be irritable most of the time, even when there is no known reason to be irritable. Also, there is an increase “over the years” instead of a decrease with maturity. This may be evident in an adolescent that matures into their adult life continuing to display irritability most of the time.

2. Isolation & Secret Grudges – Another sign is if a person who is irritable a lot seems to also like to spend time alone and not enjoy being around other people. They may seem to hold a grudge against people who they believe have done them wrong. Perhaps they were caught doing something in anger secretively such as destroying photos, making false accusations against a person, or destroying someone else’s property in anger.

3. Outbursts of Anger – If a person has anger outbursts in response to anything that doesn’t go the way the wanted, they are not able to adjust to change without an angry outburst, or they get people to do what they want by having an angry outburst are all behaviors that indicate a serious problem with anger.

4. Critical and Sarcastic Attitude – If someone uses negativity and sarcasm to communicate most of the time whether the criticism is directed at themselves or others is a sign of unhealthy communication rooted in anger.

5. Feelings of Guilt and Shame – When someone is aware of their issue with anger, they may express feelings of guilt and shame and make several attempts to change unsuccessfully. The inability to stop engaging in anger driven thoughts, emotions, and behaviors on their own is a sure sign of addiction.