Losing a loved one to suicide is traumatizing and heart breaking in so many ways. The shock and overwhelming grief of a sudden death, feeling guilty for not being able to save them, not having any closure or answers to the “why” they took their life, the reality of never seeing them again, and the confusing feelings of anger, shame, and sadness can all be debilitating factors for the surviving family members and friends.

Although depression, anxiety, and substance abuse issues seem to contribute to a higher risk for suicide, there is not one thing that causes suicidal thoughts or completion. Below is a list of warning signs someone may be at risk for suicide. However, preventing a person from completing suicide is not a clear process because there are several confusing factors. For example, sometimes a person seems to “have it all together” when they take their life. At times, a person may be struggling with mental or physical illness, but because they are seeking treatment, we think they will be okay. Sometimes, a person makes threats multiple times and never follows through so people begin to ignore their threats. Some people will make an attempt to commit suicide as a cry for help. People who commit suicide may talk about it or may not ever talk about it prior to doing it. And remember that many people have suicidal thoughts when they are going through a difficult time or feel depressed without wanting to actually commit suicide….so how do you know?

If you believe you know someone who may be suicidal, please share your love and care and encourage them to seek mental health therapy. If they meet some risk factors and tell you they have a plan to harm themselves, please don’t hesitate to call the police so they can get inpatient treatment. In Florida, the police can take a person to the hospital involuntarily for assessment and treatment if they are threatening to harm themselves. The fear of your loved one being angry with you and the confusion of not knowing what to do is very normal. Please take the risk factors and suicidal threats seriously. Follow your intuition because it is better to try to get help than to ignore the warning signs.

Suicide risk factors include:

• Childhood Trauma
• Family Members who have committed suicide
• Past suicide attempts
• Prolonged periods of stress like unemployment, being bullied and harassed, relationship issues, losses, rejection, financial struggles
• Serious mental or physical health diagnosis
• Chronic pain
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Traumatic head injury
• Experiencing or Witnessing a Traumatic event
• Changes in mood, diet, sleep, behavior, habits, and interests, etc.
• Increased irritability or a very sudden sense of calm and peace
• Isolation or reaching out to people to make amends that they do not usually interact with
• Giving things away or getting very organized

Pay special attention if the above risk factors take place after a significant event. In addition, if someone is also talking about the following they could be at a higher risk for suicide:

• Killing themselves
• Feeling hopeless or helpless
• Believe they are a burden
• Feeling trapped
• Stating they don’t have any reason to live
• Express they are in unbearable pain
• Express extreme anger and talk about revenge
• Speak using language that seems to be saying goodbye
• Talks about killing themselves and has access to the means to do so such as a firearm, medication, etc.

The World Health Organization estimates that 1 million people commit suicide annually around the world. The most recent statistics show that in 2022, approximately 49,449  people took their own life in the United States and 1.7 million people attempted suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7: 800-273-8255

Call 988 to talk to someone or 911 for emergency services.

References:

• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
• National Institute of Mental Health
• Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

50% of marriages in America are ending in divorce, 9.4% of the population in Florida are unemployed, people are diagnosed with chronic illnesses every day, and the internet makes changes every second that contribute to the ongoing flow of new information we need to be aware of in order to thrive in this global world we are living in.  Every person will experience some type of change on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis throughout a lifespan.  Change of any kind can add a tremendous amount of stress to our lives.  Adjusting to these changes is the key to maintaining strong emotional and mental well-being.  When your normal life is disrupted with change, you may start to feel sad, confused, lonely, desperate, and angry.  You may act out with behaviors that are unusual for you such as fighting, or dangerous driving.  You may also experience symptoms of both anxiety and depression. 

An Adjustment Disorder is a clinical diagnosis resulting from the development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor(s) occurring within 3 months of the onset of the stressor(s). 

Below are some of the normal and expected symptoms you may be experiencing from adjusting to some kind of change taking place in your life.

Shock / Denial / Anger / Sadness

Excessive Crying / Confusion / Depression

Anxiety / Fatigue / Irritability / Loneliness

Panic Attacks / Changes in Sleep Pattern or Weight

3 Tips for Adjusting to Change: 

Realize Change is Normal:  Allow yourself to feel what comes naturally, express how you are feeling with someone you trust, and realize you may be experiencing the grieving process due to the loss of your old familiar “normal” – this is a completely natural process.  In time, you will adjust to your new “normal” and your feelings of anxiety and depression will decrease.

Expect the Future to be Different:  Understanding that change brings about a different future will help you avoid being depressed and anxious while you are adjusting to the change.  For example, you may have to seek new employment or move away from family, but you may find a more rewarding and better paying job, you may develop stronger bonds with family through communicating long distance because you will put more effort into the relationships – meaning that you will still have a career and family relationships, but they will be different in some way.  Remember change is not necessarily always bad or good, but is always different.  How we adjust and perceive the change is the key to being healthy mentally and emotionally.

Know When to Seek Help:  If your symptoms continue for several months or you begin to realize that these symptoms are interfering with your normal everyday activities and relationships or ability to function, you may need to talk with a professional counselor to help you through this time of adjustment to develop healthy coping skills and a sense of independence to go forward.

Treatment for Adjustment Disorders is usually short term and solution focused.  Counseling is an excellent way to assist you and your loved ones to adjust to any changes in a healthy and productive way.

There is Hope for Healing that produces Harmony through Counseling!

What is Micro-Cheating?

Micro-Cheating is all the so called little things that may feel like infidelity to one spouse, but does not involve having sex with another person. The general concept of cheating can be gray instead of black and white for couples. For example, your wife may never even consider having an extramarital affair with another man, but she doesn’t see anything wrong with staying friends with or even flirting with her ex-boyfriend on facebook. Your husband may say he is totally devoted to you. However, he is having lunch every day with a female coworker and he becomes defensive about it when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

There is a difference between being friendly or courteous and being inappropriate or flirting. For example, saying, “You look very nice today” is different than saying, “Wow, you really look hot in that outfit”.   Opening the door for another woman is different than engaging in personal conversation with her. A rule of thumb to consider is that any time you give yourself and your time emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually to someone outside your marriage, it can be considered a betrayal because it is energy, time, attention, intimacy, and affection that should be given to your spouse.

Below are a few examples that may be considered micro-cheating:

Are you keeping your activity and/or conversations with someone you work with a secret from your spouse?

Have you entered someone’s name in your phone under a code or fictitious name?

Are you having private conversations through social media that you keep a secret?

Do you spend time thinking about another person and go out of your way to make time to see them, meet with them, or talk to them?

Do you flirt with other people?

Do you objectify people (think of them sexually instead of a whole person)?

Are you sharing too much personal information about your feelings, relationship or life with someone other than your spouse?

Are you spending more and more time talking to and meeting up with a coworker that is not spent actually doing work?

Are you keeping an ongoing friendship with someone you had a former romantic relationship with?

Are you lying to your spouse?

Are you sexting (talking about sex or sending and receiving sexual pictures with someone)?

Do you spend time on adult websites or visit adult entertainment places without your spouse’s knowledge?

Does your partner tell you that any of your behaviors bother them and they would like you to stop, but you do not see anything wrong with what you are doing?

5 Steps to Addressing Micro-Cheating in a Marriage:

Calm Down: If you find out your partner has micro-cheated, it is very likely you will feel anger, hurt, shock, and anxiety. It can be very easy to jump to conclusions. Keep in mind that your partner may not realize they did anything wrong.  Take time to calm down first, identify what you are feeling and then decide how you will address the issue with your partner.   Remember to ask questions verses making accusations. Also, share how what they did impacts you verses yelling, name calling, ending the relationship, etc.

Define What Constitutes Infidelity: Make time to have a conversation about each other’s definition of fidelity. Discuss what you each consider to be betrayal behaviors. You may be surprised that you view things very differently. For example, one of you may view flirting as harmless and the other one views it as betrayal. Your value systems related to relationships are developed from several factors, including witnessing your parent’s relationship, cultural and spiritual beliefs, influence from friends, unrealistic ideas from movies, experiences from past relationships, your own personality, etc. It is important to keep open and ongoing conversations about what is ok and not ok within the relationship.

Take Ownership: If your partner tells you they feel betrayed by your behaviors, don’t dismiss their feelings or argue with them. Acknowledge what you did was painful to them and caused mistrust. Then apologize, and agree on ways to prevent the behavior in the future.

Create Boundaries to Protect the Marriage: I highly recommend the book entitled Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. This book helps you as a couple to understand how to create boundaries to protect your relationship. For example, there may be things that are not necessarily wrong, but they threaten the safety of the relationship verses strengthening it. As a couple, you do not have to agree on everything, but you do have to honor your partner by being willing to make changes that help them feel valued and safe in the marriage.

Get Professional Help from a Marriage Therapist: If your spouse lies or becomes defensive, or if he/she has promised to stop in the past and you have caught them again, it can be a sign of a compulsivity issue or a sex addiction so ask your partner to go to therapy with you to find out why they promised you to stop the first time you discovered the behavior and they continued to do it. In addition, the partner who feels betrayed may need some healing from the trauma of what they discovered and the anxiety caused by broken trust. Meeting with a therapist may also help strengthen the marriage overall by gaining better communication or partnering skills. Remember counseling helps us be healthy mentally, emotionally, and relationally.

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck specializes in helping couples heal from relational betrayal. She is a Certified Trauma Professional, a Relationship Expert, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist.  In addition, she holds certifications in Sex Addiction Therapy, Partner Betrayal Trauma, Anger Management and EMDR Therapy.