Suicide Risk Factors | How do I know if someone is suicidal?

Losing a loved one to suicide is traumatizing and heart breaking in so many ways. The shock and overwhelming grief of a sudden death, feeling guilty for not being able to save them, not having any closure or answers to the “why” they took their life, the reality of never seeing them again, and the confusing feelings of anger, shame, and sadness can all be debilitating factors for the surviving family members and friends.

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Although depression, anxiety, and substance abuse issues seem to contribute to a higher risk for suicide, there is not one thing that causes suicidal thoughts or completion. Below is a list of warning signs someone may be at risk for suicide. However, preventing a person from completing suicide is not a clear process because there are several confusing factors. For example, sometimes a person seems to “have it all together” when they take their life. At times, a person may be struggling with mental or physical illness, but because they are seeking treatment, we think they will be okay. Sometimes, a person makes threats multiple times and never follows through so people begin to ignore their threats. Some people will make an attempt to commit suicide as a cry for help. People who commit suicide may talk about it or may not ever talk about it prior to doing it. And remember that many people have suicidal thoughts when they are going through a difficult time or feel depressed without wanting to actually commit suicide….so how do you know?suicide 3

If you believe you know someone who may be suicidal, please share your love and care and encourage them to seek mental health therapy. If they meet some risk factors and tell you they have a plan to harm themselves, please don’t hesitate to call the police so they can get inpatient treatment. In Florida, the police can take a person to the hospital involuntarily for assessment and treatment if they are threatening to harm themselves. The fear of your loved one being angry with you and the confusion of not knowing what to do is very normal. Please take the risk factors and suicidal threats seriously. Follow your intuition because it is better to try to get help than to ignore the warning signs.

Suicide risk factors include:

  • Childhood Trauma
  • Family Members who have committed suicide
  • Past suicide attempts
  • Prolonged periods of stress like unemployment, being bullied and harassed, relationship issues, losses, rejection, financial struggles
  • Serious mental or physical health diagnosis
  • Chronic pain
  • Drug or alcohol abuse
  • Traumatic head injury
  • Experiencing or Witnessing a Traumatic event
  • Changes in mood, diet, sleep, behavior, habits, and interests, etc.
  • Increased irritability or a very sudden sense of calm and peace
  • Isolation or reaching out to people to make amends that they do not usually interact with
  • Giving things away or getting very organized

 

Pay special attention if the above risk factors take place after a significant event. In addition, if someone is also talking about the following they could be at a higher risk for suicide:

  • Killing themselves
  • Feeling hopeless or helpless
  • Believe they are a burden
  • Feeling trapped
  • Stating they don’t have any reason to live
  • Express they are in unbearable pain
  • Express extreme anger and talk about revenge
  • Speak using language that seems to be saying goodbye
  • Talks about killing themselves and has access to the means to do so such as a firearm, medication, etc.

 

The World Health Organization estimates that 1 million people commit suicide annually around the world. The most recent statistics show that in 2022, approximately 49,449  people took their own life in the United States and 1.7 million people attempted suicide.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7: 800-273-8255

Call 988 to talk to someone or 911 for emergency services.

References:

  • American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
  • National Institute of Mental Health
  • Suicide Awareness Voices of Education
5 Reasons Married Couples Should Never Stop Dating

When we date, we present our best self, show an interest in the person we are dating, make time for them, spend time thinking about them, communicating with them, and usually can’t wait to see them at the end of our day. Dating allows us to dream about the future, share our ups and downs and feel like we are not alone in life’s journey.

Then we get engaged, get married, take on a mortgage, work hard to build careers, raise children and become consumed with busyness that leaves little time for our marriage to be a priority. In addition, some couples are blending families, have community and church commitments…the list of obligations that take our time and attention can go on and on.

Dating…

keeps the Marriage a Priority. Dating says I love you, you are important to me. Purposely planning a weekly date forces you to think about your partner, look forward to having a fun or romantic time together, and helps the marriage stay a priority. I recommend making a decision that if we don’t have time for a date for just the two of us, then we don’t have time for friends and family. Sometimes we spend all of our free time with people we love to be with, but it robs us of the opportunity for that special time we need to connect on a regular basis. Keep enjoying time with friends and family, but try to make time for a date before you make plans with other people.

provides an opportunity to learn new things about each other. One of the best things about dating someone new is skiingthat you get to learn about them. Dating allows you to continue to learn new things about each other. For example, spend time on your date only talking about the two of you. Try new activities and ask each other open-ended questions like, “What is your greatest fear?” “What is your best childhood memory?” Also, take time to share your likes and dislike and have fun getting to know each other as you each grow as individuals over your life time.

sets an example for your children. I believe the best gift you give your children is the example of a healthy marriage (not a perfect one, a healthy one). Your kids will see you make the marriage a priority, spend time together without them, and learn how to treat a partner by your example. Too often, the children can become the priority over the marriage. Remember, one of the most important parental goals you have is to raise your children as a team to become independent of you one day so if the marriage isn’t the priority during the years you are raising children, it can be very difficult to reconnect during the empty-nester years. bike riding

strengthens sexual intimacy. Most couples I see who are not dating tend to have poor relational intimacy and often times end up in sexless marriages. When you are out on a date, you may be dressed up, laughing, creating romance, and usually feel more connected. Staying home in comfy clothes snuggle on the couch, watching a movie while the kids spend the night with grandparents can also provide an opportunity to connect sexually. Dating provides the opportunity to talk about sex and to experience sexual arousal and stronger relational connection.

makes all other areas of life easier. The stressors of life seem so much easier when we are connected as a couple. Dating keeps us connected and reminds us that we are a priority to each other, that we are a team, we are on the journey of life together, and that someone is always there for us through the good and bad times life brings. Jobs, friends, and finances can change, but your marriage bond is the one constant in life that can help you live life to the fullest as you enjoy the blessings and survive the challenges of the human experience. If you have stopped dating, please make that reservation this week to start making the marriage relationship the priority again and enjoy the journey of being life-mates! Have fun!

10 Reasons Why Counseling Is A Romantic Gift

Roses, chocolate, and jewelry are all great gifts – but if you want to give your wife the ultimate gift of romance – give her the gift of Counseling.   What could possibly be more romantic than saying, “I love you and value our marriage so much that I want to do everything I can to make it even better and stronger”. 

Marriage counseling is not just a place to address problems, but it is a chance to develop and strengthen your relationship by building true intimacy.

Men, if you are looking for a gift to show your wife how much you love her and you want to increase the romance in your marriage – consider these ten reasons why Counseling is the most romantic gift you can give her…

1.  Investment:  Counseling is a major investment in your marriage.  A woman has a need to feel loved and cherished…like she is the most important thing in your world.  When you invest your time and money in the counseling process, you are showing her how important she is to you!  Flowers and candy are short-term investments in love…Counseling is a lifetime investment in love with unending dividends.
2.  Intimacy:  Sexual intimacy increases when you build stronger emotional bonds with your wife.  Counseling provides a place to overcome sexual issues and deepen your intimacy physically and emotionally. Increased intimacy will lead to increased sexual satisfaction. 
3.  Communication:  The most important factor in a strong marriage is communication.  Learning how to express yourself openly and honestly with your wife and gaining a better understanding of her communication style will increase how you much you “feel comfortable and connected” to each other.
4.  Forgiveness:  Hearing the words, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” is usually not enough to heal emotional and relational pain in a marriage relationship.  When one or both of you have been hurt, the pain can keep you stuck from going forward and cause resentment.  Forgiveness is a process.  Counseling provides a safe place for you both to work through hurts and disappointments together.
5.  Conflict Resolution:  Unresolved issues are the main cause of mental and emotional distress in a marriage.  Avoiding a problem or overreacting to one creates a wedge in your relationship.  Learning how to resolve matters no matter how big or small the issue may be will lead to peace and harmony in your marriage.
6.  Parenting:  A child’s development and wellbeing often depends on the relationship between their parents. Counseling gives you and your wife an opportunity to look at how you are parenting as a couple and strengthen both your parenting style and parenting plan.  One of the most important ways to love your child is to set an example of loving your wife.
7.  Childhood:  Sharing childhood experiences with your wife and gaining a better understanding of what influenced her during childhood helps you both have insight into the adults you are today.  Sometimes we are blind to the habits and patterns we have developed from our childhood experiences and family influences.  A professional counselor can help you gain insight into your childhood experiences and the positive or negative impact they are having on your marriage today.

8.  Goals:  Do you know what goals your wife has for your marriage?  What are her financial goals, parenting goals, personal goals…How does she imagine her future with you in 5 years…10 years?  Have you shared your goals with her?  Counseling gives you an opportunity to develop and share your goals with each other and then create a plan to reach them.  Dreaming about and planning for the future creates a romantic connection and excitement in your marriage.
9.  Trust: Marital romance does not exist without intimate trust. When trust is broken, it takes time rebuild feelings of safety and confidence in your relationship.  If trust is an issue in your marriage, coming to counseling shows your willingness to be open and honest and will give you and your wife the tools to rebuild and maintain trust for a lifetime.

10.  Commitment: Giving time, money and energy to the counseling process is the most romantic way to show your wife you are committed to her and to your marriage.  It shows how much you value her.  There is no greater way to earn her respect than to be a man who honors his commitments and is wiling to learn and grow with her for a lifetime. 

5 Tips for Solving Family Feuds

Every family will experience conflicts at some time or another throughout a life time.  Special occasions, events, and holidays can be difficult when family members are at odds with each other due to unresolved issues.  Attempting to resolve problems within a family always leads to a happier and healthier family dynamic.   The next time you are facing an issue in your family – try following these 5 Tips. 

1.  Remind Yourself…The Problem is the Problem, Not the Person:  When we are at odds with a family member, just hearing their name can make us have feelings of anger and distress.  We can lose sight of what the problem is and begin to hate the person.  Anxiety and anger can cloud our judgment and ability to reason.  Stay focused on what the problem is and what specifically happened.  Remember, we are all capable as human beings to hurt others in some way.  Take a minute and imagine if you were the one who did the wrong and how that may feel.  The person you are in conflict with will be in your family forever, the problem causing the conflict only exists as long as the family allows it to. 

2.  Own Up to Your Part:  Take some time to think about how you may be contributing to the problem.  Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that we can’t see where we may be contributing to the problem, or our part in the problem may not be clear to us.  Perhaps your part is that you feel stuck and can’t forgive and move forward.  Perhaps you are avoiding addressing the issue because you prefer not to engage in drama, or maybe you simply hate conflict. 

3.  Have a Resolution Idea Before the Confrontation:  Think of at least two ideas of how you think the problem can be resolved.  Next, schedule a meeting with the family member or members and state the problem, own your part, listen to what they have to say, and offer your ideas for resolution.  Be willing to hear their ideas and work together to come to an agreement.  If the entire issue can’t be resolved in one meeting, set a time to meet again and continue the process of working toward complete resolution and restoration of the relationship.  Let the other person know that restoration is important to you.

4.  Realize It Takes Two:  A relationship does not exist without more than one person.  It takes two to fight and two to make up.  Sometime we simply can’t resolve an issue no matter how hard we try.  We have to accept the fact that at least for the present time, the relationship is over.  This is challenging in a family because you may be forced to spend time with them at family functions throughout your life time.  When this happens, make sure you have peace that you have tried your best and then work toward managing your emotions at family events so can enjoy yourself.  Remember…the only person you can control is You! 

5.  Seek Counseling When Needed:  Sometimes, people are so emotionally hurt or the issue is so complex that an objective third party is necessary to help both family members have a voice and work together to resolve issues and restore the relationship.  When you feel like you have tried to mend the relationship with no success, try suggesting that you and the other family member or members schedule a counseling session together.  Remember, the bottom line is restoring the relationship and enjoying peace and harmony in the family.  Healthy relationships are part your overall mental and emotional well-being and learning to resolve conflict is a life skill we all need to develop. 

There is Hope for Healing that leads to Harmony in Life through Counseling!  

 

3 Facts Every Couple Should Know About Sex

As a Certified Sex Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, I help couples address a broad spectrum of sexual issues. In my experience, I believe there are three basic facts that all couples should know to help them maintain a healthy sexual relationship that is intimate and fulfilling for both partners.images

1.  You Have To Talk About Sex

Communication is the Foundation of Relationship and we all know how important talking to each other…really talking to each other, is to the success of any partnership. Many of the couples I help in Sex Therapy treatment and Couples Counseling have never really talked about sex. There are very valid reasons for avoiding the subject.   Probably the most common reason is the fear of hurting each other’s feelings.  We don’t want to hurt the person we love or embarrass them (or ourselves). Then there is the belief that you just don’t talk about sex…yes, even in today’s world children are being raised in a home and culture where talking about sex is taboo.  So couples simply do not know what questions to ask or how to go about approaching the topic. Regardless of the reason for not talking about sex, every couple should be talking about it. One easy way to begin would be to make an effort to bring up the topic with your partner on your next date night by sharing something you really love about having sex with them. Also, think about purchasing a book on the topic and read it together in the evening. Both of these suggestions will most likely break the ice and help you both feel more natural discussing the topic and help you grow even closer as a couple.

2.  Sexual Problems Are Very Common

Don’t ever base the quality of your sex life together on performance. There are a large number of potential sexual problems that can occur for a couple over the lifespan. As a couple, your goal should be enjoying each other sexually as a natural extension of your relationship. The goal should not be having an orgasm, or having to perform for a length of time, or a certain number of times a week you have to have sex. Every couple is unique and will most likely experience some type of sexual dilemma during their relationship over a life span. Anxiety, depression, age, disease, stress, physical illness, trauma, differing desire levels, pregnancy, hormones, biology, genes, beliefs, and surgery are just a few of the many factors that affect a couple’s sexual interaction.   There is nothing to be embarrassed about, sexual issues are a part of life and are treatable. When you and your partner begin to experience sexual issues, remember you are a team and together you can address the problems with success.   Be open and talk about the sexual problem, be supportive of each other, get educated on the issue you are experiencing, and if you can’t solve it on your own or with your medical doctor, then meet with a Certified Sex Therapist and they will most likely help you solve the problem.  get-2

3.  A Healthy Sexual Relationship is a Collaborative Process

In order for a couple to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship, they must understand that it is a collaborative process. Remember you are a team, partners in every aspect of your relationship and your sexual relationship is no different than any other area.  Below are the characteristics of a collaborative process that must be applied as a couple in order to successfully address sexual problems when they exist. Discuss these as a couple alone or with a Couples Therapist to help you and your partner successfully resolve sexual problems.

  • Parity Within The Couple
  • Mutual Goals
  • Shared Responsibility for Participation
  • Shared Responsibility for Decision Making
  • Shared Resources
  • Shared Accountability for Outcomes
  • Reliability on Mutual Trust
5 Steps to Addressing Micro-Cheating in a Relationship

What is Micro-Cheating?

Micro-Cheating is all the so called little things that may feel like infidelity to one spouse, but does not involve having sex with another person. The general concept of cheating can be gray instead of black and white for couples. For example, your wife may never even consider having an extramarital affair with another man, but she doesn’t see anything wrong with staying friends with or even flirting with her ex-boyfriend on facebook. Your husband may say he is totally devoted to you. However, he is having lunch every day with a female coworker and he becomes defensive about it when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable.

 

There is a difference between being friendly or courteous and being inappropriate or flirting. For example, saying, “You look very nice today” is different than saying, “Wow, you really look hot in that outfit”.   Opening the door for another woman is different than engaging in personal conversation with her. A rule of thumb to consider is that any time you give yourself and your time emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually or sexually to someone outside your marriage, it can be considered a betrayal because it is energy, time, attention, intimacy, and affection that should be given to your spouse.

Below are a few examples that may be considered micro-cheating:

Are you keeping your activity and/or conversations with someone you work with a secret from your spouse?

Have you entered someone’s name in your phone under a code or fictitious name?

Are you having private conversations through social media that you keep a secret?

Do you spend time thinking about another person and go out of your way to make time to see them, meet with them, or talk to them?

Do you flirt with other people?

Do you objectify people (think of them sexually instead of a whole person)?

Are you sharing too much personal information about your feelings, relationship or life with someone other than your spouse?

Are you spending more and more time talking to and meeting up with a coworker that is not spent actually doing work?

Are you keeping an ongoing friendship with someone you had a former romantic relationship with?

Are you lying to your spouse?

Are you sexting (talking about sex or sending and receiving sexual pictures with someone)?

Do you spend time on adult websites or visit adult entertainment places without your spouse’s knowledge?

Does your partner tell you that any of your behaviors bother them and they would like you to stop, but you do not see anything wrong with what you are doing?

5 Steps to Addressing Micro-Cheating in a Marriage:

Calm Down: If you find out your partner has micro-cheated, it is very likely you will feel anger, hurt, shock, and anxiety. It can be very easy to jump to conclusions. Keep in mind that your partner may not realize they did anything wrong.  Take time to calm down first, identify what you are feeling and then decide how you will address the issue with your partner.   Remember to ask questions verses making accusations. Also, share how what they did impacts you verses yelling, name calling, ending the relationship, etc.

Define What Constitutes Infidelity: Make time to have a conversation about each other’s definition of fidelity. Discuss what you each consider to be betrayal behaviors. You may be surprised that you view things very differently. For example, one of you may view flirting as harmless and the other one views it as betrayal. Your value systems related to relationships are developed from several factors, including witnessing your parent’s relationship, cultural and spiritual beliefs, influence from friends, unrealistic ideas from movies, experiences from past relationships, your own personality, etc. It is important to keep open and ongoing conversations about what is ok and not ok within the relationship.

Take Ownership: If your partner tells you they feel betrayed by your behaviors, don’t dismiss their feelings or argue with them. Acknowledge what you did was painful to them and caused mistrust. Then apologize, and agree on ways to prevent the behavior in the future.

Create Boundaries to Protect the Marriage: I highly recommend the book entitled Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud. This book helps you as a couple to understand how to create boundaries to protect your relationship. For example, there may be things that are not necessarily wrong, but they threaten the safety of the relationship verses strengthening it. As a couple, you do not have to agree on everything, but you do have to honor your partner by being willing to make changes that help them feel valued and safe in the marriage.

Get Professional Help from a Marriage Therapist: If your spouse lies or becomes defensive, or if he/she has promised to stop in the past and you have caught them again, it can be a sign of a compulsivity issue or a sex addiction so ask your partner to go to therapy with you to find out why they promised you to stop the first time you discovered the behavior and they continued to do it. In addition, the partner who feels betrayed may need some healing from the trauma of what they discovered and the anxiety caused by broken trust. Meeting with a therapist may also help strengthen the marriage overall by gaining better communication or partnering skills. Remember counseling helps us be healthy mentally, emotionally, and relationally.

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck specializes in helping couples heal from relational betrayal. She is a Certified Trauma Professional, a Relationship Expert, and an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist.  In addition, she holds certifications in Sex Addiction Therapy, Partner Betrayal Trauma, Anger Management and EMDR Therapy.

3 Ways to Make Saying “No” Easier During the Holidays

Even Santa Can’t Please Everyone…
Do you remember the disappointment you felt when you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas as a child?  Although you may have felt devastated in the moment, you got over it and enjoyed the other gifts and time with your family.  The truth is that even Santa can’t please everyone so why do we think we can? 

If we are going to enjoy the holidays, we have to come to terms with the fact that no matter how much we want to…we just can’t please everyone.  Let’s face it, we just have to say “no” to some of our loved ones, friends, and co-workers during the holidays.  We simply can’t please everyone – no matter how much we want to.  Unfortunately, there will be parties, events, and family get-togethers we will not be able to attend because of overlapping schedules, finances, and priorities.  To avoid feeling overwhelmed or guilty when you have to say “no”, make sure you spend some time prioritizing and deciding what you can and can’t do ahead of time regarding finances, events, and traditions. 

1.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you and your family create a budget and decide how to spend the money together.  Creating a holiday budget only takes a short amount of time, but can save a large amount of stress during this time of year.  Decide on a dollar amount to spend over the Holiday season for gifts, parties, outfits, food, and travel – and stick to it!  Without a budget, you will overspend and the financial strain will be a source of stress long after the holidays are over.  

First, decide on the amount of money you can spend over the entire season.  If you are married, make this decision with your spouse so the two of you work together as a team to support each other and have accountability to avoid over spending. 

Second, make a list of costs beginning with “Have To” and ending with “Want To”.   Be sure to create the list with your spouse and children so you can designate money for everyone that allows you to stay within your budget.  If there is not enough money for all the “want to” items, try being creative as a family and come up with ideas to reduce gift, food, and travel costs that may allow you to afford the “want to’s” on your list.

 2.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you decide what events you can and can’t attend after prioritizing them according to your family’s schedule and financial budget.  Job, neighborhood and organization parties, church and school programs, family gatherings, and community events!  The invitations and commitments can be overwhelming.  Attending all of these events will be impossible, but the thoughts of missing any of them can be so disappointing.   As your calendar begins to fill up, set aside some time to prioritize what events you will attend – and prepare to decline the ones you will not be attending.   The most difficult part of saying “No” to attending an event is telling the person who invited you because you don’t want to hurt their feeling or miss an opportunity to spend time with the people attending.  The worst thing to do is to not RSVP or just not show up.  Understand that the person may be disappointed and may not understand why you can’t attend, but responding to the invitation is the best way to keep a good relationship with them.  Don’t feel you have to always give a detailed reason for not attending, because people may not understand your priorities.  Simply letting them know you have another obligation is a sufficient decline.  Be sure to be kind and genuine in letting them know that you appreciate the invitation, but will not be able to attend and remind yourself that you have to say “no” at times to events you want to attend – even during the holidays.

3.  Saying “No” will be much easier when you and your spouse decide what Traditions are important to your family.  Every family has annual holiday traditions they enjoy year after year and are an important part of creating special memories.  However, when you get married and start your own family, it is impossible to continue to meet the expectations of keeping all the traditions you both grew up with including pleasing both sets of in-laws every year while also trying to accommodate traditions with your friends and co-workers. 

Trying to make your boss, in-laws, and friends happy can place an enormous amount of stress on your marriage and family.  Take some time with your spouse to talk about the family traditions you each cherish from childhood, the ones you would like to continue, and the new ones you would like to begin with your family.  Once you decide on the traditions for your family, saying “No” to in-laws, co-workers, and friends will be much easier.   For example, telling your in-laws you will be spending the day at your own home instead of coming to theirs may hurt their feelings, but being in agreement as a couple will help you come up with ways to compromise some aspects of the changes and continue to enjoy the holidays.  Perhaps inviting your in-laws, friends, and co-workers to join one of your new traditions, or informing each of these groups about traditions you have with the other groups may help in scheduling events that will enable you to attend, or at least increase the understanding of why you may not be able to attend. 

Saying “No” is a must during the holidays in order to avoid financial, emotional, physical and/or marital stress.   Try these ideas to make saying “No” easier and then just enjoy creating special memories instead of being stressed out trying to please everyone.    

New Year Resolutions | Don’t Forget Relationships

As you are making your list of New Year Resolutions with goals to lose weight, exercise more, spend less, save more, and get organized…don’t forget to add your Relationship Resolutions.  These are resolutions to reconnect with people you haven’t talked with in a long time, attempts to mend broken relationships, and commitments to growing relational intimacy with the people you are in daily contact with.

We know that strong and healthy relationships with other people help us stay healthy both emotionally and physically.  Social networking has made staying connected to people easier than ever, but how many of these connections are actual relationships?  You may have 435 friends on Facebook and 352 people following you on Twitter, but how many of those people could you actually call if you needed something?  How many do you actually get together for lunch with on a regular basis?

3 Relationship Resolutions to Consider Adding to Your List:

Reconnect:  Has a job moved you away from friends and family?  Has a romantic relationship caused you to let go of some friendships that you once cherished?  If so, why not make a resolution to reconnect with people you have a history with.  Facebook may be the tool you can use to reconnect, but resolve to go beyond postings on Facebook and take steps to talk on the phone, plan to visit on vacation, or get lunch together every week or month to stay connected.  Reconnecting with someone you share a history with will give you a sense of feeling grounded and safe, especially when life gets challenging.

Reach Out to Repair:  Think of people you have had disagreements with that ended your relationship with them… Are you both waiting for the other one to apologize?  Do you miss having him or her in your life?  Don’t waste another year letting anger or pride stand in the way of restoring a relationship with someone you care about.  Consider making a resolution to reach out and attempt to repair the relationship by making a phone call or writing a letter from the heart.  Even if the relationship is not restored, you will feel better and have peace of mind knowing you have done your part to reach out.

Renew:  What about the people you live with, work with, and spend time with on a daily or weekly basis… Take some time to assess the state of these relationships and consider making resolutions to renew how you value them.  Are you and your spouse enjoying a weekly date night?  When is the last time you did something with your kids that involved everyone turning their phones off and enjoying time together?  How often do you notice what a co-worker is doing well and take time to praise them for it?  Have you ever invited your neighbors over for dinner?

Relationship Resolutions are perhaps the most important ones to add to our list for the new year because we all need each other for support, fulfillment, and overall emotional and physical wellbeing.   If you find yourself wanting to make relationship resolutions, but are struggling with reconnecting, reaching out, or renewing relationships – consider seeking the help of a counselor who can work with you to accomplish your goals.  When we maintain healthy relationships, we will most likely be more successful at accomplishing all of our New Year Resolutions.

3 Ways to Love Yourself

Do you love yourself?  This isn’t exactly an easy question to answer because at times you may love certain aspects of yourself while despising others.  Sometimes we feel loved and cherished by other people and sometimes we may feel like nobody loves us.  We can’t base feeling loved on the actions of other people or how we feel from time to time. 

We have to learn to be the one to love ourselves unconditionally.  When we do, we will be able to accept and give love in a healthier and more fulfilling way throughout our lifetime.

Here are 3 Ways to Practice Loving Yourself:

Say It: 

When is the last time you told yourself “I love you”?   Multiple research studies have shown that we can change our habits, beliefs, and brain chemistry over a period of 90 days.   We have learned that positive self-talk has a powerful affect on a person’s sense of self worth.  When you say, “I love you” to yourself – you are thinking, saying, and hearing that you are loved.  This makes a powerful impact on developing your belief system and increasing your self-esteem.

Show It: 

When we love someone, we give our time and effort to show it by our actions.  We will go to great lengths to protect, value, and care for a loved one.  How do you show love to yourself?  Are you protecting yourself by establishing healthy boundaries?  Do you value yourself by treating yourself with kindness and caring for your body, mind, and spirit?  Showing love to yourself involves nurturing your mental and emotional health, spending time embracing your spiritual beliefs, and taking care of yourself physically with a healthy diet and exercise plan that includes a healthy sleep pattern and relaxation time. 

Share It: 

Loving other people becomes so much more fulfilling for us when we practice loving ourselves because the love we give comes from a genuine place in ourselves.  When we have a strong sense of self-esteem and self-worth, we understand the value of embracing our uniqueness and are able to focus on the positive more than the negative.  Your attitude and countenance will be an encouragement to other people.   When you feel loved yourself, you can easily share that love with others through words and actions. 

Today is a great time to start Loving Yourself.  Why not make a commitment every day for the next 90 days to say “I love you” to yourself, take daily action to show yourself love, and then share that love with others every day.  You may want to journal your “love journey” to be able to reflect on the changes in your life as a result of loving yourself. 

There is Hope for Healing that produces Harmony through Counseling!

Signs of Codependency in Relationships | Are you a People Pleaser?

A healthy relationship consists of two people that understand the concept of each person being valuable and important. An understanding exists that we are each responsible for our own wellbeing and that I don’t have the power to make you happy or whole. A healthy relationship has an understanding that we help each other, sacrifice for each other, are supportive of each other and we must have a strong sense of self worth without taking responsibility for the other person’s self worth or self esteem. The relationship is not based on a 50/50 concept, but on a reciprocal concept of both making the effort toward a balance in the relational dynamics with healthy boundaries.

Codependency is when a person is dependent on the approval of others for their own sense of identity and wellbeing. A codependent person has poor boundaries, the need to control resulting in them being manipulative at times, poor self worth, and they tend to take on the role of rescuer or caretaker. Oftentimes they self identify as the “fixer”. Someone who is codependent is basically looking for external validation for their own self worth. A healthy person understands that they can’t control other people’s thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors and they must find their sense of self internally, not externally.

Codependency is an unhealthy psychological belief system (usually developed in childhood) and set of behaviors that can exist in all types of relationships including marriage, colleagues, co-workers, parent/child, relatives, and friendships.   Someone struggling with codependency is usually a very responsible person. In fact, they take on responsibility that is not theirs. They tend to be very caring and nurturing to the extent of sacrificing their own needs and wants to take care of others. Sometimes they are referred to as enablers when they are in a relationship with an addict and they believe they are helping the addicted loved one by giving them money and doing things for them that they can do for themselves. These behaviors and mindset are actually harming their loved one by contributing to the factors that keep the person stuck in addiction.

Below are signs you may be struggling with Codependency:

Someone has an issue or shares a problem with you and you feel responsible for solving their problem for them.

You find yourself giving advice whether you are asked for it or not.

You have a difficult time expressing your own opinion if it differs from others.

You have been called or self identify as a “people pleaser”.

You live in the thought life of “if I do this, then he/she will do that” or “if I do this, then things will get better”.   You tend to live in the hope of what will be rather than the reality of what is

You have difficulty being alone. You make decisions based on the fear the relationship will end.

Feeling unappreciated or used.

You overextend yourself. You take on extra work on a regular basis.

Tendency to be very hard on yourself.

You struggle to make decisions without the approval of others.

You have poor boundaries. You say yes when you really want to say no out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings. You will neglect yourself and your responsibilities to be available to help others.

Spend too much time worrying.

You feel victimized in relationships, you believe people are doing things to you verses taking responsibility for your own life and decisions.

Perfectionism.

You stay in friendships, committed relationships, and jobs when you know you should leave.

If you identify with the above signs, you are vulnerable to being abused in your relationships due to your need to please others and the pattern of minimizing your own needs.

You are valuable.

You can change.

Consider talking to a person you trust about your concerns you may be identifying with codependency.

Educate yourself on boundaries so you can begin to establish and maintain healthy boundaries.

Consider working with a therapist to identify what impacted your early development and how to take the steps to break the codependent patterns while developing a healthy sense of self worth and healthy boundaries.

Consider joining a 12-step program like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA).

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